


I'm Afraid of Paper Cuts

by InterruptingMoose



Category: Supernatural
Genre: A lot of this is implied, Also the school is as weird as shit but there's a reason and we'll get to that later, Alternate Universe - High School, And i can't format my text on here so, Angst, Bullying, Depression, Discussion of Abortion, Drug problems, Dyslexia, Fluff, Gender Issues, Homophobia, Humor, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Not really much i can do beyond that, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Underage Sex, Prostitution, Racism, Self-Harm, Sexism, Sexual Harassment, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Character, Transphobia, Underage Drinking, body image issues, you know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-09-24
Packaged: 2018-07-14 22:34:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 35,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7193621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InterruptingMoose/pseuds/InterruptingMoose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Love has no definition."</p><p>Well, whoever said that was obviously wrong because when you google it you get five.</p><p>love/noun<br/>1. a strong feeling of affection<br/>2. a great interest and pleasure in something<br/>3. a person or things that one loves<br/>4. (in tennis, squash, and some other sports) a score of zero; nil</p><p>love/verb<br/>1. feel deep affection or sexual love for (someone)</p><p>What sums up love more than tennis?</p><p>Love is chance, really. Everything happens by chance. For instance, how come Cinderella's shoe (that fit perfectly) fell off? Huh? Huh?</p><p>Good luck trying to figure that one out, Mythbusters.</p><p>You know, someone once said that if we look at the world with a love for life, the world will reveal its beauty for us. Obviously that person hasn't seen the world today... or maybe they have and, in that case, need to get their priorities set straight. </p><p>Basically, love sucks.</p><p>And all five of its definitions, too.</p><p>And love (and its sucky definitions) is why Castiel is afraid of paper cuts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. As Out of Place as His Shoes

Castiel stepped out of the car and looked around the small neighbourhood. It was vibrant, Castiel decided, and full of life. The grass outside each house was bright green and was framed by a stereotypical picket white fence. The houses were big - huge, Castiel thought, and there were children playing and laughing outside each one, with loving parents watching them from their doors.

It made Castiel feel out of place.

He looked down at his shoes, they were scruffy, dirty and worn out. They probably felt out of place, too, Castiel thought.

“What do you think?“ Castiel felt an arm wrap around his shoulder and he looked up to see his oldest brother, Michael, looking at the house. Castiel decided that if anyone in his family felt out of place in this neighbourhood, it was definitely Michael.

Michael was a “picture perfect“ son, as someone had once said to Castiel. Castiel agreed to some extent.

Michael was “picture perfect“ in the sense that was handsome - very handsome, in fact. At twenty four, he had short, raven coloured hair and green eyes that reminded Castiel of a forest. He was tall, tan and well built. Their sister had often told him that he should be a model to get a little extra cash. To be honest, Michael looked as though he would fit in this neighbourhood as easy as the apple pie they probably had after every dinner.

However, for Michael to be desribed as “picture perfect“ was also wrong - Michael was anything but perfect, Castiel knew.

And Castiel loved him for it.

He owed Michael his life. When he was thirteen, Castiel was kicked out of his adoptive parents home for being gay and, with nowhere to go, had lived out on the streets for months until one night, during a storm, Michael had found him, unconscious at the time, and brought him home.

“It's... perfect.“ Castiel shrugged and he and Michael shared a look. Perfect was the problem.

“I like it.“ A voice interrupted them. They both looked down to see Samandriel, their youngest brother, smiling brightly at them, he was also adopted. In fact, all of Castiel's family was adopted.

Michael was the oldest, followed by Raphael and Gabriel, who were both eighteen, and then Castiel and Balthazar were both seventeen, followed by Anna at fourteen, and then finally Samandriel (also known as Alfie), who was seven.

“Well, I'm glad,“ Michael replied, ruffling Samandriel's light brown hair. “Why don't you go check out the backyard? It's huge.“ Samandriel's green eyes twinkled at Michael's words before he ran as fast as his little legs could carry him into the backyard.

“For the first one of these bastards to say something about this family - I'm gonna make Alfie kick their kid.“ Balthazar said, running his hand through his short blonde hair; his light blue eyes sweeping around the neighbourhood. Balthazar was from England, and was often badgered by Castiel and Samandriel about the country.

“What do you think, Raphael?“ Michael asked, turning to his brother.

“It's so perfect that it makes me want to throw up rainbows.“ Raphael replied, monotonously. Due to the hate he often recieved, Raphael was very reserved and quiet. Raphael sometimes faced abuse because he was black, but mostly, it was because he was transgender. Castiel's heart ached for his brother. He was treated badly for who he was and Castiel hated the injustice of it but Raphael always told him the same thing:

“I'm used to it.“ 

Castiel hated those four words.

“I claim the biggest room!“ Anna yelled, throwing her hand in the air. Anna had long, red hair and big brown eyes. Although she was very mature for her age, it was times like these that her inner stereotypical teenager shown through.

“No way!“ Gabriel yelled. Gabriel was short - very short - and had golden hair and honey eyes that always seemed to sparkle with mischief. Gabriel had a “reputation“ that he must “uphold at every school“ - he was the Trickster. A title that often landed him in detention and forced Michael to have long, boring meetings with principles.

As the five teenagers began to argue about rooms, Michael kept checking his watch.

“Gabriel, you signed the forms the moving trucks, right?“ Michael asked, his eyes flickering to his watch again.

“For the millionth time: yes! Okay? I remember it exactly. The trucks are due to arrive at midday on the the twenty fifth of August.“ Gabriel exclaimed, rolling his eyes.

Michael narrowed his eyes at his younger brother. “The what?“ He asked.

“The twenty fifth of August.“ Gabriel stated and Michael nodded slowly.

“Right... Gabriel, what date is it?“ Michael asked.

Gabriel sighed. “The twenty fourth of August... Ooh, I get it now. Well... crap.“ 

“Great, we don't have any furniture.“ Balthazar sighed and Castiel laughed quietly as Michael rubbed his temples. He could feel a headache coming on.

“What a nice way to start fresh, let's not just forget the past - let's forget everything.“ Raphael sighed.

“I'm hungry.“ Anna complained as Samandriel ran into the garden, yelling about how he fell and hurt his knee.

Michael sighed. His family were sending him to an early grave.

...............

“Michael, buy the pickle!“ Samandriel yelled, pointing to Piccadilly on the Monopoly board Michael had bought at the store earlier that day. 

The Novak family were sat on the floor, around the board game; eating the food Michael had ordered.

“We aren't the boat, Sammy.“ Michael replied. “We can't buy it.“ Samandriel pouted and grumpily took a bite of his pizza.

“Hey, Cassie, there's some hippie group going on in town if you're interested in joining.“ Balthazar commented, buying Piccadilly to outrage Samandriel.

“Balthazar, I am a pacifist - not a hippie.“ Castiel replied, taking a sip of his cola.

“So, Michael, I saw you give your number to that guy at the store.“ Raphael said and he and Gabriel shared a smirk.

“You did? That's great! We'll have you back on the ol' datin' wagon in no time.“ Anna grinned.

“I gave him a fake number.“ Michael said, wiping the pizza sauce off of Samandriel's cheek with a napkin as Samandriel continued to chew his pizza, glaring at Balthazar's Piccadilly card.

“Why?“ Castiel asked.

“Because he was creepy and made me uncomfortable.“ Michael replied. “Alright, time for bed.“

“We haven't got any beds.“ Gabriel deadpanned.

“I found blankets upstairs, we can all stay down here because there aren't enough for each of us.“ Michael gestured to the small pile of blankets on the other side of the empty room. He gathered up the rubbish as the others got comfortable with the blankets.

As soon as Michael turned off the lights and joined them, the arguments began to arise.

“Quit hogging the blankets!“

“Stop kicking me!“

“Ugh, you're breathing on my face!“

“I want a story!“

Finally, Michael managed to shut them up and Gabriel and Balthazar had agreed to tell Samandriel a story.

“Once upon a time, there were three little pigs named Bacon, Pork and Sausage,“ Balthazar began and Samandriel giggled.

“They lived with their mother and one day she said: “will you three lazy fuckers get off your lazy asses and get jobs?“ She was very angry, indeed.“ Gabriel added and Samandriel giggled even more. Michael was too tired to berate Gabriel for his language.

“But then Bacon said to his mother: “don't you think we've tried? It's those goddamned sheep! They come into our farm and they take our jobs and claim our benefits!““ Balthazar continued, and Castiel, Raphael and Anna had started laughing along with Samandriel.

As the story went on, Samandriel kept laughing so much that he wask having difficulty breathing.

“And the big bad wolf said: “I'll huff and I'll puff and you better fuckingq hope you have home insurance!““

“And Pork replied: “aww, c'mon mate, don't be like that - I just put a fucking turkey in the oven!“ but the wolf huffed and he puffed but the brick house just would't fall down.“

“Eventually, the wolf's asthma got the better of him and he collapsed. Pork had turkey and wolf for lunch that day. The End. Night-night, Alfie.“

“Night-night,“ Samandriel yawned, curling into Michael's chest before he fell asleep, followed quickly by the rest of his family, except Michael, who was watching over his family. He hoped they would be happy here.

Pressing a kiss to Samandriel's forehead, Michael fell asleep, content to know that his family were finally safe.


	2. Nails that sparkle like his eyes

Castiel's eyes half-opened due to the obnoxious beeping of his alarm. He blindly reached around for his phone, determined to stop the noise. His eyes kept drooping shut and he eventually gave up looking for his phone and closed his eyes, willing it to snooze or just break. A minute or so later, the room was filled with silence. Castiel smiled sleepily to himself as he pulled his blankets around himself, determined to go back to sleep.

 

“Castiel, up for school.“ Michael called, rapping his door before opening it. Castiel glared at him, his head appearing over his blankets. However, he stopped because Michael did not look happy. His hair was dripping wet and his clothes were soaked and splashed with water. He was holding Samandriel on his hip; the youngest Novak was resting his head on Michael's shoulder, his eyes drooping as he yawned.

 

“What happened to you?“ Castiel asked, allowing his head to fall back against his pillow.

 

“Samandriel splashed me with water while he was getting out of the bath.“ Michael sighed and Samandriel smiled to himself, patting Michael's hair. “Now, hurry up and get up before all the hot water is gone.“ Michael said, closing the door. “And don't go back to sleep!“ He called.

 

Castiel sighed, but then smirked to himself as he quietly pulled his blankets back around himself. 

 

“Don't you think about going back to sleep!“ Michael warned, making Castiel jump and throw the blankets off of himself.

 

Sighing, Castiel dragged himself out of bed and out of his room, yawning and stretching. He went into Balthazar's room, where his older brother was still sleeping - even through his alarm. He picked up Balthazar's phone and looked at the list of alarms Balthazar had set for himself (all of which he had slept through).

 

6:30 a.m. - Wake up

 

6:35 a.m. - Seriously get up

 

6:40 a.m. - BALTHAZAR WAKE THE FUCK UP

 

6:45 a.m. - YOU LAZY BASTARD GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED

 

6:50 a.m. - FIRE!!!!!! \\(°o°)/

 

6:55 a.m. - That probably didn't work

 

7:00 a.m. - Wake me up Cassie

 

Castiel rolled his eyes and shook Balthazar awake but Balthazar turned over, mumbling for him to go away. Castiel sighed and kept shaking Balthazar but gave up after a short while. He looked around the room and his gaze landed on a glass of water on Balthazar's bedside table.

 

Castiel picked up the glass and took a few steps back, opening the door further to make a clear escape. He took a deep breath; his lips twitched at the corners; he checked his exit path once more and then threw the water over Balthazar.

 

The reaction was almost instant. Castiel ran for it but heard Balthazar yell his name and caught a glimpse of him jumping up and getting tangled in his blankets before he fell out of his bed.

 

“CASTIEL! YOU LITTLE BASTARD!“ Balthazar yelled, trying to untangle himself from his blankets.

 

Castiel laughed as ran down the hall and jumped over Gabriel, who was sleeping in the middle of the hall, huddled in his blankets. He stopped when he saw Anna. 

 

There was a tense moment of silence as they met each other's eyes. 

 

Anna narrowed her eyes.

 

Castiel narrowed his eyes.

 

They broke into a sprint, racing each other to the bathroom. They were soon side by side, pushing and shoving one another. Anna stuck out her foot, tripping her brother over and ran ahead but Castiel quickly grabbed her ankle and pulled her down with him. Castiel quickly crawled across the floor but Anna tackled him.

 

“I'm - getting - a shower - first!“ Anna yelled, trying to drag herself across the floor.

 

“No! I'm - getting in - first!“ Castiel struggled, pulling her back and crawling ahead.

 

“Actually, I think I'll go in first.“ Raphael said as he stepped over the squabbling and wrestling teenagers. Raphael smirked as he closed the bathroom door and locked it.

 

“Oh no he didn't,“ Anna said.

 

“But he, in fact, did.“ Castiel said, his eyebrows knitting together in confusion. Anna shook her head and rolled her eyes at he brother.

 

“What the frick frack diddly whack is going on here?“ Gabriel yawned, cocooned in his blankets. He gasped in excitement when he saw Anna and Castiel. “PILE ON!“ 

 

“Pile on? What does th - oh, no.“Castiel muttered as Gabriel charged at them.

 

“No! Gabriel! Don't!“ Anna screamed, trying to scramble away in time but, alas, she was too late and both she and Castiel squealed in pain when Gabriel landed on them.

 

“What a nice way to start the first day of school,“ Castiel muttered to himself.

 

..............

 

Castiel had gotten showered after Raphael, and now was deciding what he should wear. He sighed, rummaging through his closet. He didn't have much clothing because his family didn't have much money. They weren't poor, though - there was a time when they were but Castiel tried not to think of the parts of his past that made him sad.

 

It was a miracle that they had gotten this house, really. It was left for Michael in his mother's will when he turned eighteen. That's all that Michael told him.

 

A part of Castiel was sad about that. Michael had been eighteen six years ago but he hadn't gotten the house because his mother's old lawyer couldn't find him. Castiel didn't know much about Michael's childhood, other than what Raphael and Gabriel had told him. They had lived with Michael practically all their lives. They didn't have an easy childhood, they moved around from place to place and never stayed anywhere long enough to make friends. There was one time when they stayed somewhere for two years but they didn't bother to make friends. Anyway, because of all of the moving, the lawyer couldn't find Michael and he didn't get the house for six years - that's what made Castiel sad. His family could've had a home - a real home - for six years and they didn't even know.

 

On the other hand, Castiel was personally glad that the lawyer hadn't found Michael. Despite how selfish he thought he sounded, Castiel knew that if the lawyer had found his brother sooner, Michael wouldn't have found Castiel and Castiel wouldn't have his family now - hell, he wouldn't even know his family existed.

 

Castiel shook his head, trying not to think of the idea of living without his family. 

 

“Okay, what to wear...“ He muttered, distracting himself. He sighed - he felt like he was going to do a lot of sighing today - he didn't know what people his age wore. Anna was constantly telling him that his clothes were too formal but Gabriel told him to have “class“ and “fuck the haters“.

 

He didn't know what that meant.

 

Castiel picked out his only pair of jeans. They were a pair of stone washed skinny jeans. They were a little scruffy looking and well worn, but they were extremely comfortable. 

 

Castiel looked through his shirts but they seemed too formal, like Anna had said. He got to his feet and trotted down the hall to Michael's room. He walked in to see Michael chasing Samandriel, who was wearing nothing but a towel for a cape, around his room, telling him to get ready.

 

“Michael?“ Castiel asked and Samandriel stopped for a second to smile at him but Michael grabbed him.

 

“Gotcha, you little brat.“ Michael grinned as Samandriel tried to wriggle free from his grip. “Yeah?“ Michael asked, turning to Castiel.

 

“Can I borrow some of your clothes?“ Castiel asked, biting his lip.

 

“Oh, yeah, sure, they're in some of those boxes.“ Michael pointes to the small stack of moving boxes near the closet.

 

Castiel thanked him before he went over to search through the boxes whilst Michael forced a shirt over Samandriel's head.

 

Castiel picked out a plain white shirt and a dark red jacket. He went back to his room and got dressed. His jeans were as comfortable as usual, the shirt and jacket were too big but they were very soft and the jacket was all floppy like a pancake, so he liked it.

 

Castiel pulled on his shoes and ran a brush through his hair, which just made it messier, if he was being honest with himself.

 

“Hey, Cassie?“ Anna's head appeared in the doorway. Her towel was wrapped around her head - Castiel often wondered how girls did that.

 

“Yes?“ Castiel replied, trying to flatten his hair.

 

“Leave it, your hair looks good when it's messy.“ Anna commented as she entered his room. “Anyway, I was wondering if I could try my new eyeliner on you because most of my make up is already done and I don't want to risk messing it up.“ She said in one breath.

 

Castiel stared at her for a moment and she gave him a hopeful smile. “Okay,“ Castiel shrugged. He didn't mind Anna testing her make up on him - she did it often as practise for herself.

 

“Great!“ Anna grinned, skipping over to him and began to apply the eyeliner. She traced his eyelid carefully with the black pencil, her tongue poking out in concentration. “Aaaaand... we're done - it looks great! It really makes your eyes stand out - oh, I know! I have a nail polish that totally matches your eyes!“ Anna ran from the room and returned a few seconds later with a blue nail polish.

 

“Egyptian blue?“ Castiel read the label.

 

“Yeah,“ Anna shrugged, taking one of his hands and began painting his nails. Once she was finished, she ran back to her room and came back with a glittery, colourless nail polish. She coated each of his “ring finger“ nails with the glitter. “They sparkle like your eyes,“ she said dramatically and Castiel laughed.

 

Anna went back to do her make up while Castiel went down to the kitchen for breakfast. Michael was making waffles for them - he did every year on the first day of school. Gabriel was sitting on two boxes stacked on top of one another - they still hadn't unpacked everything - at the table, Raphael had gotten the only chair that Michael had actually gotten round to rebuilding, Balthazar was sitting on ths counter, nd Samandriel was watching TV on the couch in the living room.

 

“You tell 'em, Chen Tsai, no more big government!“ Samandriel yelled at the TV.

 

“Why is Samandriel watching Taiwanese parliament?“ Castiel asked as he hopped up onto the  the table and crossing his legs.

 

“Becuase he wants to ensure the equality of the people of Taiwan.“ Raphael shrugged, his tone laced with sarcasm.

 

“Oh, that's nice of him.“ Castiel said, smiling and Raphael rolled his eyes. Castiel never understood sarcasm.

 

“I see you all decided that my closet was the place to find your clothes.“ Michael deadpanned. Each of his siblings were wearing at least one item of clothing that belonged to him.

 

“I found mine in those boxes.“ Castiel said and Michael rolled his eyes as he set the plate of waffles down on the table. Anna joined them a few minutes later and Samandriel was forced to turn off the TV and join them.

 

They discussed idle things during breakfast, Anna was talking about which clubs she planned on joining and Gabriel was planning his annual “Start of Year Prank“.

 

Anna made Michael do her hair, like she usually did. He was quite good at after years of doing it for her, and Raphael, when he had long hair.

 

Eventually, it was time to leave. Michael and Samandriel walked in the one direction whilst the other five Novaks walked in the other. Gabriel had taken Samandriel's scooter, which had him crouched over in an attempt to steer it.

 

They got a few odd looks from people, especially parents - probably because they were new to town, most likely because of Gabriel.

 

“God, I bet those parents are waiting for Gabriel to scooter over to their kids and ask “hey, kids, wanna buy some drugs?““ Raphael said, and Anna and Balthazar broke into a fit of giggles. 

 

“Gabriel doesn't sell drugs to children, does he?“ Castiel asked, frowning. His three siblings shared a look before they started laughing even more.

 

The walk to school lasted around twenty minutes. There was hundreds of students lounging around on their cars with their friends, laughing and catching up about their summer break.

 

A few people glanced at them with interest, and amusement because of Gabriel, but not many noticed the new students.

 

“Hey, sweetie, do the carpets match the drapes?“ A boy, around sixteen, yelled at Anna from his car, making his group of friends laugh.

 

“Oh, honey, if only your dick was as big as your ego,“ Anna called back. The boy blushed and his friends collectively let out an “oooh“, a few of his friends actually applauded her and made wolf whistles.

 

“Heh, nice one. High five, kiddo.“ Gabriel laughed, holding up his hand as he scootered around her.

 

Castiel seemed to a sense of the students in the school as he looked around. The question was: 

 

Would he fit in? 

 

He took a deep breath and looked up at the notice board outside the building.

 

Welcome to Kansas High.


	3. First Day of School

“See ya later, losers, my class is this way.“ Gabriel smirked, pointing his thumb in the opposite direction of his family.

“We're in the same class, you asshat.“ Raphael said, rolling his eyes as he and Gabriel walked away from their siblings and to their class, bickering like an old married couple.

“My class is this way,“ Anna jerked her head in the direction opposite Raphael and Gabriel. “See you guys at lunch. Balthazar, try not to get into too much trouble. Cassie... try to get into at least a little trouble, 'kay?“ She said, ruffling their hairs. They both gave her a pointed look and she laughed before she walked away.

Castiel took a deep breath and shook himself. “I can do this. I can do this.“ He muttered repeatedly to himself as he entered the school building.

Less than a minute later Castiel was back outside with Balthazar struggling to drag him back. 

“I can't do this, it's full of sad and angry teenagers and confused sexualities and bad hygiene. You can't make me go back.“ Castiel cried, trying to push Balthazar away and run back home to Michael.

“Oh - yes - I - can!“ Balthazar yanked the door open and dragged him back inside, ignoring the odd looks people were giving them. “You lived on the streets - you can deal with a bunch of snot-nose little brats.“ Balthazar said and grabbed his hand. 

Castiel looked around, his breathing coming in short pants. Teenagers lurked everywhere in the corridors, shouting and laughing. It made him nervous.

Castiel wasn't a people person.

Balthazar dragged him through the masses and masses of neverending teenagers until they finally reached his homeroom. 

“I'm not leaving 'til you go in, Cassie.“ Balthazar folded his arms over his chest and Castiel glared at him, casting a worried glance into the classroom.

“Fine, but I'm sitting in the back and I'm not making any friends.“ Castiel hissed and Balthazar opened the door.

“Don't be so antisocial, little brother.“ He laughed and pushed Castiel into the room.

The door slammed shut and Castiel was forced to meet the questioning stares of his fellow classmates. He looked around the room until someone called his name.

“Castiel Novak?“ 

Castiel looked up to see a middle aged woman, with blonde hair and an over-excited look in her eye, waving him over to her desk. Castiel nodded and walked to her like a robot, looking straight ahead. 

“Well, hello, my name is Miss. Rosen. I'm your homeroom teacher. Everybody, this is Castiel. He just transfered here.“ Miss. Rosen greeted.

A few people said “hey“ or “hi“, some gave a small wave, while others just nodded casually in his direction.

“Hello,“ Castiel said, fidgeting with the hem of his sleeve. 

He was interrupted by the door opening and a short, middle aged man entering. “God damn new kids.“ He cursed under his breath. He had a scruffy beard and short, wavy brown hair, and he was currently wrestling with himself to get rid of the silly string that had been sprayed on him.

A few of the students sniggered while Miss. Rosen went to help him remove the silly string.

“Thanks, Becky.“ He sighed, smiling gratefully at the teacher.

“No problem, Chuck.“ Miss. Rosen returned the smile. Someone at the back cleared their throat dramatically, making the man and woman blush.

Chuck cleared his throat and turned to Castiel. “Ah, yes, Castiel, right?“ Castiel nodded. “Nice to meet you, I've already had the displeasure - I mean - pleasure of meeting your brothers, Balthazar and Gabriel.“ Chuck nodded to the silly string in the trash can, sighing. “My name is Mr. Shurley, and I am the principal of Kansas High and I also teach AP English, which I know you will be in this year.“ Castiel nodded again. 

“Yeah, him and him alone.“ A boy shouted from the back of the room, making the class laugh.

“Haha, shut up, Jake.“ Chuck said, making the class laugh harder, before he turned back to Castiel. “Well, I just wanted to welcome you to Kansas High, and introduce you to your classmates, but I can see Becky - Miss. Rosen already has. Well, good luck and I hope you will enjoy the next two years that you are with us.“ Chuck left the room with a smile at Castiel and then at Miss. Rosen, and then a glare at Jake.

“Charlie?“ Miss. Rosen asked, looking at a girl with short, red hair who was wearing headphones, listening to music and dancing in her seat, oblivious to Miss. Rosen calling her name.

“CHARLIE!“ The whole class yelled, making her jump and almost fall out of her seat.

“Jesus Chr- WHAT?“ Charlie yelled back, adjusting her headphone around her neck.

“Would you mind showing Castiel around the school?“ Miss. Rosen asked.

“Yeah, sure.“ Charlie smiled at Castiel as she stood from her seat. “We'll go now to get a head start.“ She took his hand and dragged Castiel out of the room and into the hall.

“So, Castiel, what do you like doing? What age are you? What's your favourite colour? You're gay, right?“ She asked and Castiel struggled to keep up.

“I, uh, I - how - how did you know that?“ Castiel stammered.

“Gaydar - hey, don't worry, I'm gay, too. most people in the school probably are, to be honest.“ Charlie explained.

“Well, I'm - I'm asexual, actually. But also h - homoromantic. So, um, a - a gay asexual.“ Castiel stumbled over his words nervously.

“Oh, that's cool.“ Charlie smiled. “So, what do you like doing?“

Castiel took a deep, calming breath and mentally made a note not to speak too fast to avoid stuttering. “I watch the bees.“ He said.

“Like, bumblebees?“ Charlie asked and Castiel nodded. “Can I call you bumblebee?“

“If you want.“ Castiel replied.

“Can I see your phone, I'll give you my number in case you have anything you wanna ask me or jist wanna hang out?“ Charlie asked and Castiel fished into his pocket for his phone before handing it to her. A few minutes later, she handed it back. Castiel looked down at the screen and the new contact:

Char Char Binks

Castiel looked up at her, his eyebrows knitted together in confusion. She grinned at him and showed him her phone. Her new contact read:

Bumblebee

Castiel smiled, people at his old school were never this nice to him. The bell rang and students began to flood out of their homerooms to go to their next class or their lockers.

“That's Meg Masters, captain of the rugby team.“ Charlie nodded to a girl with a round, heart shaped face and curly, dark brown hair that fell to her shoulders. “And that,“ Charlie nodded to the boy standing next to Meg, “is the captain of the baseball team, Dean Winchester.“ Dean was tall and well built, Castiel noted, with tanned skin and short, spiky, sandy coloured hair. His cheeks were covered in freckles and he had light green eyes.

“They act like they hate each other - he calls her a bitch, she calls him a dick - but they're totally best friends.“ Charlie explained and Castiel nodded. 

“That's Joanna Harvelle,“ she pointed to a girl with long, blonde hair and chocolate brown eyes. “She's their best friend, too. Her mum owns the roadhouse diner in town where everyone hangs out after school.“ Charlie explained.

“That there is Leah Demonse, she's the little sister of Lilith Demonse.“ Charlie pointed to a tan girl with long blonde hair and dark eyes. “Leah is the school whore, not a good title to have personally but she craves attention from the male population.“

“There's nothing wrong with wanting attention,“ Castiel interjected. 

“Very true, bumblebee, but she's looking for it in all the wrong places.“ Charlie said and Castiel nodded in assent. “But I suppose it's good if she really enjoys sex but she might need to limit the number of partners, but hey, it's her choice.“

“Okay, there is Sam Winchester, that's Dean's little brother, and Kevin Tran, they're like the school geniuses. They're Chuck's pride and joy, to be honest.“ Charlie was pointing to two boys, one was extremely tall with long, shaggy brown hair and hazel eyes, and the other was a shorter Asian boy with medium-length black hair and sleep deprived eyes.

“Ah, there's Lisa Braeden, she's head cheerleader. She and Dean aren't dating but she likes to think that he likes her and is playing hard to get.“ Charlie gestured to a girl with long, dark brown hair and was wearing a white and perwinkle blue cheerleading uniform, with a high skirt and belly top. She was surrounded by other girls wearing similar outfits.

“I never knew that people actually wore cheerleading uniforms other than for practise and actually cheerleading.“ Castiel's eyebrows were drawn together in confusion before he shrugged, making Charlie laugh.

“Moving on, there's Garth,“ she pointed to a boy with short, sandy brown hair and a sock puppet on his hand, “he's a freak and you'll love him.“ Charlie said, waving at Garth. 

“Does he often wear a sock on his hand?“ Castiel asked and Charlie nodded.

“He's, like, a guidance or advisor for the first years and he uses the puppet to help them or whatever. He does volunteer work with the local charity in town, too. He works with the kids.“ Charlie explained.

“That's nice.“ Castiel smiled.

“Okay, there's Aaron Bass, Cassie Robinson, Andy Gallagher - they're all pretty nice - and I don't know, you'll meet everybody once you settle in.“

“Okay, we have some general rules in this school. Rule one: watch out for the first years - they may seem cute and small but, in reality, they're tiny, vicious, nefarious monsters.“ Charlie explained and Castiel nodded slowly.

“Rule two: we do not go into Principal Shurley's office, or visit Miss. Rosen, during lunch as they like to have lunch together. Alone.“

“Okay, rule three: every janitor's closet is free to use for... you know... all except for the one on the top floor next to the history department. That's where Jim - the janitor - naps all day.“ Charlir explained and Castiel nodded in understanding.

“Rule four: the bathroom beside the science department is strictly for smoking. You don't pee in there, okay? That's where everyone goes to smoke either during break, lunch, free classes or study period. P.S. They smoke more than just cigarettes in there, so just be careful.“

“Alright, rule five: the students of this school have the utmost respect for Harry - he's the homeless man that sits outside the school gates. If ya ever need to skip school or whatever, just let him know and he'll cover for ya. If you're in trouble and your parents or guardians ever have to come into the school, let Harry know and he'll disguise himself, with the help of the drama department, and pretend to be your parent or guardian.“

“Speaking of the drama department, rule five: we don't question the ways of the drama department. The drama teacher, Mr. Crowley - everyone just calls him Crowley or Fergus - is obsessed with sweetsop, also known as sugar apples, and alcohol, he says they give him visions. The drama department also have a statue of Sharpay Evans from High School Musical as the seem to worship her like a god. We don't question it.“ 

“Rule six, similarly to god-like worship: the science department is covered with Doctor Who posters, Back to the Future posters, and the doors are painted like the Tardis, you know, science stuff.“

“Rule seven: the music department think that it's perfectly alright to just break into song where ever they are and it's, uh, it's great, to be honest.“

“Rule eight: teachers will accept bribes in the school, not money, just candy and stuff becuase they really, really don't like teaching, almost as much as we don't like being taught.“

“Rule nine: feel free to write on the walls in the English department, it's covered already. It can be your name, quotes - anything, really. The same goes for your locker, you can design it to look any way you want.“

“Rule ten: according to Chuck, fires are fun to watch and cause, but please keep them away from anything extremely flammable, but other than that, have fun and be safe.“

“Rule eleven: in this school, everyone is accepted, gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, trans - you get the gist. Chuck likes his students to express themselves through, y'know, clothing and how they present themselves. So, you can wear as little or as much clothes as you want. You can have as many colours in your hair as you want or none at all. Piercings and tattoos are cool to have, but if you're underage, you must have parental consent, or something similar to it. Wear as much make up as you like - P.S. I'm liking what you've got going o here, bumblebee, the eyeliner makes your eyes stand out. Basically, Chuck doesn't judge us, so we don't judge him when he comes to school wearing a bathrobe because he was too tired to change.“

“Rule twelve: compared to other “top-notch, classy, push“ schools, this one seems pretty crappy. But this is our crappy school, and we must honour it, but if worse comes to worst, we just trash the other schools, got it?“ Charlie asked and Castiel nodded.

“Got it,“ Castiel agreed.

“Well, there are more things you'll learn about the school as you settle in. Like, explosions are common, teachers breaking into physical fights and food fights in the cafeteria are commom, too, and, uh, driving bikes and scooters or skating or skateboarding through the halls are perfectly acceptable. You, know, other than that, welcome to Kansas High, bumblebee.“

............

The English department, as Charlie had said, was covered in writing from students.

Charlie had shown Castiel to his AP English class, and, true to Jake from homeroom's word, he was the only student.

He sat at a desk and read through the syllabus, happy to note that he had already read and written essays on the books in it.

Chuck came into the room, covered in glitter this time. “Oh, hi, Castiel.“ He greeted.

“Hello, Mr. Shurley.“ Castiel replied and hesitated for a second as Chuck took a seat at his desk. “Um, s - sir, I've already completed this syllabus at - at my old school.“ Castiel said and Chuch looked relieved.

“Oh, thank God.“ Chuck sighed, relaxing. “Then we don't need to do any work this year?“ He asked and Castiel shrugged, unsure. “Well, do you have a collection of work or syllabuses that you've done?“

“It may be on my school record, I suppose.“ Castiel said and Chuck nodded before looking through the computer.

Castiel sat awkwardly and silent for a few minutes until Chuck spoke again.

“We don't need to do any work this year!“ He cheered. “You won't attack me if I go to sleep, will you?“ He asked and Castiel shook his head.

“Well, you just do whatever you wan't while I sleep.“ Chuck said before he collapsed onto his desk, snoring quietly.

Castiel laughed quietly to himself before he took out his phone and began playing games on it until the bell rang and Chuck woke up, looking around tiredly before excusing Castiel.

Charlie was promptly waiting outside his classroom like a guard, and took his hand again; dragging him through the crowds of teenagers. They ducked to avoid footballs, and swerved to avoid people on bikes.

“Was that a monkey?“ Castiel asked, looking back but the animal was gone.

“Yeah, his name is Oscar, a few of the animal rights activists in the school kidnapped him from the zoo. The science and geography department built a replica of his natural habitat in one of the spare classrooms, and he lives there. They're gonna kidnap as many as possible so they can send them back to the jungle, where they belong.“ Charlie explained.

What kind of school was this? Castiel thought.

“Drama, here we are.“ Charlie anounced. The walls were covered in posters of famous plays and movies, props were placed everywhere, and there was a statue of Sharpay Evans.

“I'll meet you here after class.“ Charlie waved goodbye as she left for her next class.

Castiel took a deep breath as he walked into the class. He was surprised to find that the class didn't have desks and chairs, instead it had large, squishy bean bags, pouf chairs, old, worn armchairs, and an old couch. There was a small stage, like a podium with a flat surface. On it stood a short man with short black hair, brownish-hazel eyes, and he was wearing a neat black suit, and a crown.

“Welcome to Hell,“ he greeted his class in a scottish accent, “it may not be hell for you now, but I will make it, and for me it's already hell because you're all here.“ He explained and his class laughed. “As you can see, I am the king of Hell,“ he pointed to his crown, “and you, well, you're all little demons to me. I'm not too fond of teenagers, yet, here I stand, teaching you little brats.“ 

“Okay, partners, you and you,“ He pointed to Castiel and Dean Winchester, Castiel remembered Charlie pointing him out earlier. “You will be partners this year. Okay, you and you, and - who the hell are you - okay, it doesn't matter, you and you,“ Crowley went on as Dean walked over to Castiel.

“You're, uh... Castiel! Right? You're the new kid.“ Dean stated and Castiel nodded. “I'm Dean Winchester, I guess we're partners this year, huh?“

“Um, I - I guess we are.“ Castiel agreed and Dean grinned at him.

“Has anyone seen my scotch on the rocks?“ Crowley called, rummaging through his desk drawers.

“Nah, but Chuck has a secret stash at the back of the cupboard in his office.“ Dean replied.

Crowley nodded. “I'll be back in a minute, until then... get to know your partner! If you already know them then ask them questions to make them uncomfortable.“ He ordered as he left the room.

Dean and Castiel sat down on the colourful bean bags.

“You have eyes like turtles.“ Castiel stated.

“You have eyes like blue cotton candy.“ Dean replied.

Castiel reached forward and tapped Dean on the nose. “Boop.“ He said and smiled at Dean.

“What was that?“ Dean asked, grinning a little.

“People do it to my little brother when they think he's cute.“ Castiel shrugged.

“You think I'm cute?“ Dean asked and Castiel nodded. “Okay, well, you're kinda cute, too.“ Dean booped Castiel's nose, making Castiel's cheeks stain a light pink as he smiled.

“How do you like the school so far, Cas - do you mind if I call ya Cas?“ Dean asked.

“Do you mind if I call you Winnie?“ Castiel asked.

“If it helps you sleep at night.“ Dean shrugged.

“Cas is good.“ Castiel nodded. “The school's pretty good so far, I mean, most of the students seem to be.either criminals or pyromaniacs, but that's okay.“ Castiel shrugged, making Dean laugh.

“So, do you have any other brothers or sisters?“ Dean asked.

“I have five brothers and one sister. We're all adopted.“ Castiel said. “There's Michael, Raphael, Gabriel, Balthazar, Anael - but she threatened to shave my eyebrows if I called her that so we call her Anna, and then Samandriel.“

“Whoa, that is a lot of family,“ Dean said.

“Yeah, um, Charlie said that you have a little brother here?“ Castiel prompted.

“Yep, Sammy is a genius.“ Dean said with a fond smile. “He's gonna be a lawyer one day. And then there's Adam, he's seven, he's pretty smart for his age. He wants to be a doctor.“ Dean said.

“Do you live with your parents?“ Castiel asked.

“My mum died when I was four, but I live with my dad and my uncle Bobby - well, he's not really my uncle but he's as good as. Dad and him are best friends, they own the car repair shop in town.“ Dean explained. “I work there part-time.“

“Oh, I'm sorry about your mum. My mum died giving birth to me and my dad died in a car crash when I was seven.“ Castiel said.

“Well, a new member to the dead parent club,“ Dean said.

“That's... slightly morbid, but okay.“ Castiel nodded.

“Okay, I'm back!“ Crowley slammed the door open as he walked into the class. “With good news.“

“Chuck has agreed to let us prepare earlier for our annual school production!“ Crowley anounced and ths class applauded.

“What's the annual school production?“ Castiel asked Dean.

“Every year we do a play with our own twist and parents and people come to watch it.“ Dean explained. “Last year it was Lesbian Miserables.“ 

Castiel blinked, cocking his head to the side. “Lesbian Miserables?“

“It consisted of only girls.“ Dean stated simply and Castiel nodded in part understanding, part confusion.

“This year it's gonna be Romeo and Julio.“ Dean said.

“This school is so weird.“ Castiel said to himself but Dean nodded in agreement anyway.

............

At lunch, Castiel sat outside with Charlie. First, she brought him to the store beside the school to get food because the school food would “more than likely kill you“, as she had so eloquently put it.

Castiel wasn't sure if they were actually allowed to leave school grounds but he went along with it, especially since the majority of students were already doing it.

Castiel handed Harry the homeless man twenty dollars as he passed the gate.

“Look at you, Mr. Generous,“ Charlie grinned, nudging him.

“I - I always give homeless people money.“ Castiel said. “I was homless for a little, it's not easy.“ He shrugged.

Charlie, sensing his discomfort, didn't prod any further.

They had a very long lunch. They both had study period for the rest of the day but, according to Charlie, no one ever actually turned up, but they did have to go to a “first day back“ assembly during the last half hour of school.

They sat outside on the grass under a large oak tree. It was quite sunny and warm so they enjoyed the cool shade. They shared a large bag of potato chips and chocolate bars, and drank soda as they talked. Castiel had either study period or AP English after lunch everyday until the end of the day, as did Charlie, but she had free classes instead of English, meaning that they could sit out here everyday.

Castiel was immensely happy at the prospect, he really liked Charlie. He finally had a friend that treated him, well... like a friend.

............

Castiel was walking to the assembly with Charlie when Dean walked by with his group of friends. Castiel gave him a small, shy smile and when Dean was close enough to reach him, he reached his hand out and tapped Castiel's nose whilst walking by him. “Boop.“ Dean grinned, despite the odd looks people - especially his friends - were giving him.

Castiel grinned at him, watching him go before he turned back around and continued to walk with Charlie.

“What?“ Castiel asked at the incredulous look Charlie was giving him.

“What was that?“ Charlie asked, her lips twitching at the corners.

“What do you mean?“ Castiel asked.

“The booping and the nose touching.“ Charlie laughed.

Castiel shrugged. “He's my drama partner, that's all.“ Castiel said.

“Mmm,“ Charlie nodded, a sly smile in place.

............

“Now, I know that this school isn't the greatest school in the world.“ Chuck said after he had went over the school rules, despite that no one actually followed them, and the basic start of term greeting.

“This school sucks!“ Someone yelled from the crowd.

“That...“ Chuck began but then sighed. “That is very true - it's awful. But, it's our awful school!“ The students cheered.

“As you all know, Charlie Bradbury will once again use her computer talents to hack into the government or whatever for money for the school, some people may call it fruad, but we like to see it as a strategic academic and wise career move on our part, so I believe Charlie deserves a round of appluase,“ Chuck said and the students appluaded loudly, whistling and making cat calls. Charlie stood up and bowed for them before she sat down again.

“Which reminds me, we need to decide on the fake fundraisers this year to make it seem like we're trying to raise money or whatever and we don't look suspicious.“ Chuck continued.

“Well, guys, welcome back to and welcome to Kansas High, we hope you have a great year ahead of you and yada, yada, yada - you all get the gist.“

............

Later that day at dinner, the Novaks were discussing their first day of school while eating the burgers Michael had made them.

“And then there's Leah, she's like the school slut or something.“ Gabriel said, reaching for the sauce.

“Hey, don't slut shame.“ Michael chastised as he placed a bowl of lettuce onto the table.

“Oh, she's not a slut, she's a whore.“ Castiel corrected, reaching for the sliced tomatoes.

“Then don't whore... hate.“ Michael concluded awkwardly as he sat down and helped himself to some food.

“I don't.“ Castiel said sincerely.

“Did you make any new friends, RaRa?“ Samandriel asked and Raphael frowned, his eyes narrowing at Samandriel's nickname for him.

“Yes, Raphael, did you even try to make friends at school?“ Michael asked and Raphael shrugged, mumbling under his breath as his siblings all shook their heads slowly behind his back.

“I don't need friends, okay? I'll be leaving the school in a year anyway, so it doesn't matter.“ Raphael said.

“You do need friends, w - well you don't, but - but it'd be nice to have them.“ Michael sighed.

“You never tried to make friends when you were my age.“ Raphael argued.

“When I was your age, I was practically a single father with five kids and three jobs. I didn't have time to make friends.“ Michael said. “You do and I expect you to make friends or else... or else...“

“He's grounded?“ Samandriel offered.

“No, that defeats the whole purpose of the making friends part... Um, I'll - I'lle force you to go to parties and stuff.“ Michael threatened lamely but his siblings applauded his attempt, making him roll his eyes.

“The school is full of future criminals, to be honest. They're creative but probably dangerous.“ Anna said. “They're all pretty nice, though.“

“I like it.“ Balthazar shrugged. “How was your first day, Alfie?“

Samandriel grinned. “I met a boy called Adam Winchester, he's my bestest friend in the entire world and he really likes dinosaurs.“

“I met a boy called Dean Winchester, Adam's his little brother.“ Castiel said.

“What did ya do today, Mikey? Did ya miss us?“ Gabriel smirked.

“I got a job as an engineer at Winchester and Singer Autoparts and a job as a bartender in The Roadhouse Diner.“ Michael shrugged. “Which reminds me, I have a shift tonight so I'll need one of you to keep an eye on Samandriel.“ There was mumbling of agreement from his siblings.

...........

“Night, Sammy.“ Michael pressed a kiss to Samandriel's hair as he tucked him into bed.

“Night, Micha.“ Samandriel yawned. Michael ruffled his hair before he left for his shift.

Ten minutes later had Samandriel's siblings all poking their heads into his room to make sure he was sleeping.

“Aww, he looks so peaceful when he's sleeping.“

“I'm not sleeping,“ Samandriel replied flatly.

“WELL, YOU SHOULD BE.“

Samandriel jumped, pulling his bankets around his head while his siblings laughed, entering his room.

“Will you sing me a song?“ Samandriel asked, cuddling his teddy bear closer to himself and looking at each of his brothers and Anna.

“Michael already told you a story.“ Castiel frowned. 

“But I want a song now.“ Samandriel pouted.

The five of them looked at one another before Gabriel began, looking unsure. “Where’s all mah soul sistas?

Lemme hear ya’ll flow sistas.“

“Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, flow sista. Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, go sista,“ Castiel, Balthazar, Raphael and Anna joined.

“He met Marmalade down in old Moulin Rouge,“ Gabriel sang, the five of them swaying together and snapping their fingers in rhythm with the song.

“Struttin’ her stuff on the street

She said, "Hello, hey Jo, you wanna give it a go?" Oh! Uh huh,“ Balthazar continued.

“Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya dada. Hey hey hey,“ they all chorused. “Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here, here. Mocha Chocalata ya ya, oh yea. Creole lady Marmalade.“

Samandriel looked absolutely terrifed as he pulled the sheets up to cover his face and pretended to sleep.

“It worked,“ Castiel smiled.

“We're the reason he'll have to go to counseling when he's older.“ Raphael deadpanned.

“Very true.“ Gabriel nodded.


	4. Worthy of the Boop

Castiel's eyes snapped open and he sat upright in his bed, breathing a little heavily. He rubbed his temples as he lay back down, looking around the dark room as he tried to remember the contents of his dream. He blindly reached around for his phone to check the time. It was three thirty in the morning. Castiel closed his eyes, determined to go back to sleep for school.

Eventually he gave up and climbed out of bed, sighing as he tiredly made his way down to the kitchen. He wasn't surprised to find Michael finishing the last of the dishes his siblings had failed to clean. He was probably just home from work, Castiel realised.

Michael was listening to the radio, a really old station that played music from the fifties and sixties. Castiel liked that kind of music for two reasons, one: he liked how it sounded, and two: sometimes, on nights like these when Castiel had woken up from a nightmare, he would go down the stairs to find Michael listening to the radio while cleaning or just not being able to sleep, and it made Castiel feel safe, the music was almost like a reminder that he had a family now - he finally had a real home, and he liked that.

"Hi," Castiel greeted as he shuffled over to the fridge and rummaged through it.

"Shouldn't you be in bed?" Michael reprimanded him.

"Shouldn't you be seeking psychiatric help?" Castiel replied. "The world's an imperfect place." He shrugged and Michael smiled, shaking his head as he went back to the dishes. "I had a nightmare," he admitted as he took one of Michael's freshly cleaned spoons and began to eat ice cream directly from the tub.

"You're gonna have a real life nightmare if you don't put Gabriel's ice cream back." Michael warned, making Castiel laugh - although it was true, Gabriel was unnaturally possessive of his food.

"How was work?" Castiel asked, hopping up onto the counter next to the sink.

"Long," Michael sighed. "I smell like beer and smoke." 

"If you hate bar work so much just get a nine to five job." Castiel suggested.

"I've already told you, I can't work a nine to five job." Michael mumbled in a tone that clearly stated not to press the topic.

"You've never said why." Castiel muttered to himself, certain that Michael hadn't heard. Castiel was convinced that Michael was deaf in one ear, or at least partially deaf - he was also convinced that he was partially blind in one eye, if not both, although Michael never complained about it. Castiel had discussed it with his other siblings and they had all agreed, commenting that it used to be a lot worse when Michael was younger.

A lot of things about Michael didn't make sense to Castiel. He never talked about his childhood - ever - other than sharing fond memories about his siblings. Castiel felt as though Michael was bottling everything up, and one day he was just going to snap or have a breakdown, so his family subtly dropped hints about him going to a counsellor or a therapist.

Castiel was so caught up in his thoughts that he barely noticed Michael leaving the sink and going into the living room. Castiel waddled in after him and Michael collapsed onto the couch, looking exhausted as he ran a hand through his hair.

Castiel sat on the armchair, eating his ice cream until Michael shifted on the couch and patted the space next to him. Castiel moved to the couch and lay down beside Michael, offering him some ice cream.

Castiel glanced at the scar on Michael's neck, which was usually covered by the collar of his shirt. The scar was thick and went all the way around Michael's neck. Castiel had never asked about it. He felt that scars were quite personal and he did believe that every scar held a story, all different kinds of stories: accidental or purposeful, sad or funny, silly or serious.

Everyone in his family had scars, Raphael had a scar on his knuckle from when he had gotten angry one day and punched a door, Gabriel had a scar from when he had broken his nose when said door had hit him in the face, and Balthazar had a scar beside his eye from the same incident also, because Gabriel had stumbled back and fallen into him, resulting in Balthazar falling against a bookshelf and knocking a book off the shelf, causing it to land on his face. 

Those were the scars with the funny stories. His family always looked back at the memory and laughed. However, some scars weren't as happy. Samandriel had a lot of scars on his stomach and his shoulder from the car crash that had killed his parents when he was just a baby. Similarly, Castiel had scars like that from the crash that had killed his father when he was seven. Anna had scars that she didn't like to talk about, but Castiel had those too. Those were scars that people didn't ask about because society and the media are so determined to ignore and supress the reality of the twenty first century.

Today's society confused Castiel.

Society created this idea of what beautiful was and what it takes to be beautiful, and then the same society feels oppressed and bullied because of the standards they have set. Why was skinny beautiful? Why was fat ugly? Who decided that?

That's why society was confusing to Castiel. Society was offended by their own standards.

Michael used to tell him that he should never question or judge his own worth - especially not by the standards other people have set. Why couldn't other people do that? No one can offend you unless you let them and no one can tell you who you are unless you let them. People couldn't seem to grasp that and it frustrated Castiel to no end.

"You okay?" Michael asked, distracting Castiel from his thoughts.

"I'm alright," Castiel replied. "Just thinking."

Michael nodded in understanding. "So you like your new school?" He prompted.

Castiel ate his ice cream thoughtfully. "Yes, I made two new friends. Charlie and Dean, they're nice."

"And your classes?" Michael asked.

"So far, so good," Castiel replied. "The school is starting their annual production early."

"Are you going to audition?" Michael asked.

"I think Crowley expects his drama class to be a part of it, regardless as to whether they want to or not." Castiel shrugged. "So you don't like your new job?" Castiel asked.

"It's not that I don't like it, you know, Ellen and Jo are nice, but it's just people are just..." Michael sighed. "I had to listen to an hour long rant about a woman whose son came out and how her life was over now. And then there the man that was picking fights with everyone in the bar."

"So you don't like your new job?" Castiel repeated.

Michael sighed. "Not really."

"And you're working in that auto place, right?" Castiel asked.

"And the bakery in town." Michael added and Castiel heaved a sigh.

"We've been here barely a week and you're already overworking yourself." Castiel said.

"I'm not overworking myself," Michael replied, trying to reassure him. "I'm just working. Alright, it's time for bed, c'mon," he said, sitting up and getting off of the couch.

Castiel went straight to his room whilst Michael brushed his teeth and got changed out of his clothes. He lay in his bed and thought for a while. He thought about Michael and worried that he was overworking himself, he thought about school, he thought about his dad before he died and he thought about his family now. 

Castiel stayed awake for most of the night. At around five in the morning, he heard the patter of Samandriel's feet as he tiredly waddled his way to Michael's bedroom, presumably after having a nightmare.

Castiel sat up on his bed and pulled his knees to his chest, resting his chin on top of them. He sat like that for a while before he grew even lonelier and got up.

He silently walked down the hall and noticed a light coming from Raphael's room. He made his way to Raphael's bedroom and knocked on his door before opening it. 

Raphael was sitting on his bed with the radio playing quietly and the bedside lamp dimly lit. He looked up from his book and raised an eyebrow at his brother.

"Can I sleep in here?" Castiel asked quietly, fiddling with his hands behind his back.

Raphael looked at him, as though assessing him before he lifted his blankets up. Castiel smiled, closing the door before waddling over to Raphael's bed and climbing in beside him. Castiel liked spending time with Raphael because he was quiet. Unlike Gabriel and Balthazar, he didn't feel the need to be loud or crack jokes every few seconds, and unlike Anna, he didn't talk you ear off as soon as you had sat down. He was quiet and let Castiel think for himself, yet still gave him the company he liked to have.

Castiel didn't fall asleep until the sun began to rise. He wasn't sure if Raphael had slept at all.

It felt as though he had just fallen asleep when he was being shaken awake by Samandriel, telling him to get up for school. 

......

"... and she acts like a total bitch because her dad's rich because he invented like toaster strudel or something," Anna ranted to her siblings as they walked to school together that morning.

"Just ignore her, kiddo," Gabriel said, gliding around on his heelies.

Castiel wasn't paying that much attention to them - he was too focused on downing his sixth or seventh cup of coffee.

They arrived at school early and Castiel fell asleep in homeroom with his head in Charlie's lap as she sat cross legged on the desk and Castiel lay across several desks.

He was startled awake by the slamming of the classroom door slamming shut.

"What is that racket?" Castiel demanded, his eyes snapping open.

"Shh, just drink your coffee, Bumblebee," Charlie said, patting his head and giving him another cup of coffee.

Castiel didn't bother to look up and continued to sleep but was once again interrupted.

"Hey, Cas," a familiar voice greeted.

"Hey, Dean," Castiel yawned. "What are you doing here?" 

"Chuck asked me to give a message to Becky." Dean shrugged, hopping up onto the desk.

"You need sleep, Novak," Dean poked Castiel's belly. "You're exhausted."

"You think I need sleep? You should meet Michael." Castiel sighed. "He gets around three or four hours sleep a night, if he's lucky. I consider myself lucky." 

"Just get some sleep tonight," Charlie poked him too.

"Stop this tummy abuse," Castiel groaned, covering his belly.

"Dean, here's the message for Principal Shurley," Becky called, holding up a piece paper.

"Most schools just send emails," Dean muttered, taking it from her.

"That's because most schools can afford computers," Becky replied.

"Touché," Dean said. "See ya, Cas! Bye, Charlie!" He called before leaving the room.

"Bye, Dean!" They replied together.

........

Castiel arrived at Drama before lunch with a double espresso and two cans of Red Bull. Dean watched as he opened the lid of his coffee and poured the Red Bull inside before downing it in one go.

"How many cups of coffee have you had today?" Dean asked, taking the empty cup off of him and throwing it in the trash.

"Eight or nine, maybe thirty something, I don't know," Castiel replied as Crowley entered the room.

"Improv!" Crowley yelled, startling most of the students. "O' Doyle, Jackson! You will play a couple at a restaurant that are about to break up. You have two minutes to find props."

The two boys scrambled and found plastic glasses, a checkered picnic blanket and a small basket full of plastic food. They placed the blanket over the table and laid it out before sitting opposite each other.

Their scene resulted in Jackson throwing a cup of water over O' Doyle and calling him every name under the sun.

"Hey, Dean, do you wanna come to the movies after school with Charlie and I?" Castiel asked, after a moment's hesitation, as they sat on their bean bags and drew characters from the play they were studying. Castiel and Dean had played cops for their improv, along with two other classmates, who played the criminals.

"Sure, what are we gonna see?" Dean replied, looking up from his drawing. 

"Charlie wants to go see Deadpool, I think," Castiel shrugged as the bell rang, signalling time for lunch. They made their way out to the tree, where Charlie was already seated under. She waved when she saw them.

"Hey, guys," she grinned as they sat down next to her.

"Hello," Castiel greeted.

"Hey, Charlie," Dean said, grinning.

They sat for a short while, exchanging stories and complaining about homework. 

"Uh, Cas?" Dean raised an eyebrow at Castiel, who was admiring the tree, before tapping him on the shoulder. "What are you looking at?"

"This tree," Castiel smiled. "Trees are so beautiful, aren't they?"

"Downright gorgeous," Dean shrugged, throwing a confused glance at Charlie, who also shrugged.

"I'm glad you agree," Castiel said. "Some people can't see the beauty in all life forms. I think to acknowledge the beauty of another life means you've already acknowledged the beauty of your own. And that makes me happy. Even if it is just a tree." He smiled at them and Dean grinned, despite his confusion.

His new friend was a dork.

..........

After the movie, Charlie had to head home so Castiel and Dean went to get ice cream. They walked along the darkening streets as stars began to appear in the sky. 

"What do you mean you've never had pie?" Dean exclaimed, almost dropping his tub of ice cream in shock.

Castiel shrugged, "it's just one of those things I'd think of getting but then I decide not to and opt for something else." He laughed at Dean's reaction.

"Pie is like... like the foundation of America, the very essence of freedom - it's the fundamental principle of being an American," Dean spluttered and Castiel smiled at him.

"You're very passionate about pie," he stated softly and Dean shrugged, trying to act nonchalant. "It's cute."

"Worthy of a boop?" Dean smirked.

"Indeed," Castiel grinned and booped Dean's nose.

"So, let me think, aaaare... you religious?" Dean prompted and Castiel thought for a moment.

"I used to be," Castiel shrugged, "maybe I still am but sometimes I think, well, couldn't anybody play the role of God?"

"Could you?" Dean asked and Castiel shrugged again.

"I don't know, probably not," Castiel admitted, getting caught up in his own thoughts for a minute before he felt Dean tapping his shoulder.

"Are you there, God? It's me, Dean Winchester," Dean joked and Castiel smiled sheepishly.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to blank out." Castiel apologised.

"S'okay," Dean mumbled through a mouthful of ice cream, although some of it dribbled out of his mouth.

"Oh, here," Castiel quickly wiped the ice cream from his chin with a napkin.

"Thanks," Dean chuckled, "Sammy always complains that I'm a messy eater - oh my god, your hands are freezing!" He exclaimed, grabbing one of Castiel's hands, which felt like ice. "Here," Dean made Castiel hold his ice cream as he shrugged out of his letterman jacket, despite Castiel's protests. Castiel, after protesting some more, reluctantly agreed to wear the jacket to put an end to Dean's worries.

"Thank you," Castiel mumbled, actually quite grateful for the warmth it provided. 

"It's no problem, you can borrow it," Dean shrugged and before Castiel could even think of shaking his head, Dean added, "I have a leather jacket in the house."

"But it's your jacket," Castiel argued.

"That I am letting you borrow," Dean stated.

"But if you let me borrow it you'll probably never see it again," Castiel added feebly.

"Then I'll get a new one," Dean shrugged nonchalantly.

"But-" Castiel began.

"No buts." Dean declared dramatically and Castiel pouted. 

"No buts - a brief summary of an asexual." Castiel muttered and Dean began laughing, apparently having heard him.

"C'mon, it's getting late," Dean tugged on Castiel's arm and dragged him down the street.

.........

Castiel and Dean had parted ways with Castiel trying to give him his jacket back but the Winchester refusing, so Castiel had walked the short distance from their place of departure to his house, hugging the light blue and white jacket around himself. It smelt like cologne and something he just couldn't quite place in his mind. 

Castiel entered his house and was greeted with a sudden blast of warmth, as well as the laughter and chatter of his family.

"Woah, Cassie's been hanging out with the cool kids at school," Gabriel teased, noticing Dean's jacket almost immediately. "Where've ya been, kiddo?"

"Out." Castiel shrugged, dropping his bag off beside the door.

"With?" Balthazar prompted.

"Friends." Castiel shrugged once more.

"... but Michael, everyone else has a phone except me, how am I supposed to make friends when I can never text any of them?" Anna complained, following Michael around as he looked for his keys and fixed his hair to look presentable for work.

"Look, Anna, honey, I haven't got the money right now to buy you a phone," Michael sighed, "just wait a few months, sweetheart, okay? I promise we'll get you a phone but just not right now."

"You promise?" Anna asked hopefully.

"I promise," Michael kissed her forehead before shrugging into his jacket. "Okay, Raph, Samandriel's in bed sleeping, if he wakes up just heat up some milk -"

"Michael, I know," Raphael interjected, "you say the same thing every night."

"Okay, you know what to do," Michael nodded to himself, before rounding on Castiel, Gabriel and Balthazar, "I want your homework done and all of you in bed before twelve, got it?" They all nodded, although after they complained that they were not children. "Okay, no nonsense, no misbehaving, Raphael, call me if anything's wrong-" Michael rhymed things off as he opened the door and began to leave, but was cut off by a chorus of "Michael, we know". 

"Alright, I'll be home later. Bye." Michael stated.

"Bye!" His siblings all waved him away.

"He needs to calm the fuck down," Gabriel commented and was followed by a chorus of agreements.

Castiel, having no homework, made his way to his room and got ready for bed. He looked through some of his unpacked boxes for a shirt when he stumbled upon an old piece of paper. He got into bed and opened the piece of paper, finding a diary entry written by Gabriel. He tried to remember back as to when Gabriel would use a journal and then it came to him - the school council had suggested that Gabriel write down his thoughts to deal with his anger issues and depression. Castiel read the entry:

I hate being depressed because it makes me angry.

When I'm not feeling numb or sad, I'm getting fucking pissed at every little thing people do around me that irritate me.

I've even ruined my own fucking friendships because of it.

And don't even talk to me about that romanticised bullshit that all depressed people do is feel sad because they don't.

Sometimes they feel so happy that they think, for even the tiniest second, that there is fucking hope for them in this world and that feeling could last forever. Sometimes they feel so numb that they don't know how live in the moment and the future seems blurry - hell, it seems like they don't have a future at all. Sometimes they feel so angry that they could literally punch their own best friend in the fucking face but they don't because they know that depression is not a justification for being an asshole.

And don't even get me started when as to when people say it feels like you're drowning and nobody can see or whatever because the truth isn't that people can't see you - they just don't want to fucking see you. So pull yourself out of goddamn water because nobody else will. And if you say you can't stop drowning or whatever, sorry for the metaphorical bullshit, then teach yourself how to fucking swim and don't rely on others to do it for you. And if you have people to help you along? Great! That's always good to have, it can give you that little push of motivation that we sometimes need. But, in the end, you need to be your own motivation.

Sitting on your own and wallowing in self pity isn't going to get you anywhere. And I know, believe me, I know, that sometimes we just want to victimise ourselves to justify our feelings but that isn't going to fucking help you. So just don't give a fuck about what those guys were laughing at, or if your parents criticise you, or if those girls pushed you or shoved you a little in the hall - ignore them because they are not you. You are you. And nobody - nobody - can tell you how to be you. So what if you're gay and your dad's homophobic? His opinion doesn't matter - you're not going to fuck him so who cares? He's an ignorant pencil-dick. You're trans and your sister doesn't think so? Steal her fucking clothes and look fabulous in them. 

But you know what? You all know that it isn't always other people that put us down - we do it ourselves. So don't fucking give credence to those thoughts like 'death is the only true way to live' or 'ripping my skin open gives me relief - it was scientifically proven', because let me tell you something; you don't use science to justify why you're happy or the actions as a result of it, so why do it when you're sad? You know that every little cut hurts and no amount of chemicals released in your brain are going to change that. So why do it? Why add salt to the wound? Why hurt yourself when you're already hurt? Why self-harm when you can self-help?

So ignore people when they criticise you or try to hurt you. Ignore those people that call you attention seeking because you're depressed and you act like it. But just know that their ignorance to not acknowledge your mental illness can only be matched by your ignorance to believe that your mental illness dictates who you are.

Nobody and nothing can tell you who you are and how you should live your life; not your family, not your friends; not strangers; and certainly not fucking depression. Only you can do that. Be your own person, not the person others want you to be.

Gabriel had changed quite a lot since then, Castiel decided, he was a lot happier now. That made Castiel happy. Gabriel used to isolate himself and hate people but now he was usually the centre of attention. It was nice to see such a positive change in his brother.

Smiling, Castiel placed the letter in his bedside drawer and turned off the lamp. Just as he got comfortable he received a text.

From: Boop

Night, Cas :)

Castiel tapped out a quick reply.

To: Boop

Goodnight, Dean ^-^


	5. His Family

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." 

Martin Luther King, Jr.

*

Rubbing his eyes tiredly, Castiel smacked his phone to try and silence his alarm. Sighing, he climbed out of bed, swiping the 'dismiss' button on his alarm before slowly making his way down the hall to the bathroom, stretching his arms and yawning as he did so. 

Although the usual aches (that could easily be cured by a simple stretch), the sleep in his eyes, and the seemingly never-ending shrill cry of his alarm weren't the most enjoyable things to wake up to, mornings were Castiel's favourite time of day. Despite that his house was usually loud and bustling with teenagers scrambling all over the place to find clothes, pack bags, and hurriedly finish last minute or forgotten homework, and a half-naked seven year old running around refusing to get dressed, mornings were usually calm for Castiel himself. 

He got showered, always using the strawberry shower gel, got dressed, and ate breakfast with his family. That's how it had been for four years and it was a routine that was normal to him. And he liked it. 

Of course, most days consisted of someone turning on the radio in the kitchen up to full volume, meaning Castiel could listen to music. He liked music, all kinds, if he was honest. Not the meaning behind it, just how it sounded, however, he would turn down the volume when he was seated next to the radio during breakfast, preferring not to break his eardrum before school.

Castiel and his siblings always walked to school together in the morning, probably looking like a gang of mismatched hooligans and troublemakers. They always departed at the same place, Raphael and Gabriel going one way, Anna the other, and Balthazar and Castiel another. 

"Hello, Charlie." Castiel greeted, seating himself in the desk next to the redhead. It was rather uncomfortable, as the chair and desk were attached and the desk was poking into his stomach. 

"Hey, bumblebee, what's up?" Charlie grinned, lowering her headphones around her neck and fixing her hair. "Hey, did you get number seven on the calculus homework?"

"Yes." Castiel nodded, reaching into his bag and pulling out his calculus book, flipping it open to his homework before presenting it to her.

"Thanks, you're a lifesaver." Charlie muttered, scribbling the answer down on her hand, "I'll fill it in later. God, that homework was a bitch."

"Yes, it was quite difficult." Castiel nodded in agreement, unceremoniously shoving his book back into his bag.

"So, did you hear what happened at that Chinese place, Silver City?" Charlie asked.

"No," Castiel shook his head, however, he prepared himself to take a mental note to never eat from there.

"They found maggots," Charlie said, and Castiel grimaced, "cooked into the rice." She laughed, although there were hints of disgust in her tone. 

"No way," Castiel replied, his nose wrinkling in distaste. "Oh my, god, that's disgusting."

"Disgusting for you? I've actually eaten from there!" Charlie cried and Castiel gave her a sympathetic look, his stomach feeling like it was turning over inside him.

"If we get take out we usually eat from Dragon's Den or something." Castiel said, and Charlie seemed to light up at that. 

"Oh my, god, I love that place, and the delivery girl is so cute." Charlie said, a smirk playing at the corner of her lips. "I've technically got her number."

"The number of the Chinese place?" Castiel suggested, laughing quietly.

"Yeah, pretty much." Charlie laughed along with him.

Small talk, Castiel thought, I can keep up with the small talk.

Conversations weren't something that Castiel could follow easily, even though they were an everyday common occurrence. He'd often struggle to find a topic to discuss, and most teenagers weren't to interested in discussing the weather, he assumed, but he also wasn't sure how to respond to popular references relating to the media and pop culture. He also worried if he became too boring or awkward, or if his answers were too short. 

So, yes, despite that most people could converse like there was no tomorrow, Castiel wasn't as great at it. 

If he had to guess, he would have assumed it started early in his childhood. When attempting to speak to his caretakers or adoptive/foster parents, he would be criticised for so many different things; his articulation, his pitch, how his voice sounded, and even how he stood when speaking. Needless to say, it had an impact on his self-esteem and confidence when it came to speaking to people.

Charlie didn't seem to mind though. She kept up the better half of the conversation, and always took his opinion, no matter how small or pointless, into regard when talking, and it was something Castiel appreciated greatly. Sometimes it was hard to get a word in when talking to his family as they always talked over each other, and it felt good to finally have someone listen to what he said, despite the insignificance of it.

Castiel did his best to keep up the small talk, only stopping briefly to reply to roll call, until the bell rang, signalling the end of homeroom. He navigated his way around the school, having been there a few weeks now he finally had a mental map of the place, knowing which places to avoid and such, also.

Shuffling into his drama room along with the rest of his class, Castiel took his usual seat next to Dean, sinking down into the bean bag, already knowing that he was probably going to struggle to get back up again.

"Hello, Dean." Castiel greeted, taking his books from his bag and setting it on the floor beside him before dumping his bag down on the other side.

"Hey, Cas," Dean smiled, fishing his phone out of his pocket. "Look at this video of a cat jumping in the air and gettin hit with a snowball," he shuffled himseld and his bean bag closer to Castiel until he was practically leaning on him, holding his phone up in front of them.

Castiel laughed at the video, pleading with Dean to replay it and choosing another one to watch, leaving the two teenagers giggling uncontrollably until Crowley entered the class. 

"Drama," he yelled, scaring the bejesus out of most of the class as he hopped up onto his platform, "shouldn't stay on the stage for you, it should permeate every corner of your life! Just some general advice." He shrugged. "Today I want you to finish your analysis of Juliet, including the context of the era, a drawing of her character, and why we don't like her. If you don't finish it in class, I want it done for homework."

"I don't mind her character." Castiel shrugged, colouring in Juliet's dress a dark shade of red.

"I hate her character." Dean sighed, adding to his very long list of reasons why he hated her.

"I can see," Castiel commented, a small smile breaking out on his face. "I'm not going to get this finished,' he sighed, a reluctant acceptance settling over him.

"Same, hey, you can come over to my house after school, and we can finish it together, if you want." Dean suggested, looking up expectantly from his work.

"I'd like that," Castiel nodded, closing his book over. "What's your dad like?"

"He's great, and Bobby, too." Dean smiled proudly. "Although, just a warning, they do tend to argue like an old married couple." Castiel nodded in understanding. "And they might come off as kinda sarcastic, especially Bobby, but they don't mean it."

"It's okay, I can never decipher sarcasm anyway." Castiel shrugged.

"So, what was your dad like?" Dean inquired.

"My biological dad?" Castiel asked and Dean nodded, "well, I don't remember anything about him."

"At all?" Dean felt a pang of pity in his heart.

"At all. What he looks like. What he sounds like. I just remember him being there in my life until... until he wasn't." Castiel said quietly. "I don't remember much about the crash, either, I just remember shaking him and shaking him and he never woke up. I don't remember much after that. I was found wandering along the highway with no memory of who I was until I was found by a man driving along in his truck, and he brought me to a nearby hospital."

"That's it?" Dean prodded.

"I remember water. A lot of water. A forest. It was cold." Castiel gave a noncommittal shrug. "I do remember that he used to write books but that's it."

"What were they called?" Dean asked but Castiel shrugged once more.

"What about your mum?" Castiel asked, pulling his knees closer to his chest. "What was she like?"

"She was great. She, um, she died in a house fire when I was four, and Sammy was just six months old." Dean said.

"What about Adam?" Castiel questioned.

"Oh, no, his mum was Kate - Kate Milligan. She was kind of like a second mum to me and Sammy, but she and my dad weren't together together. She died in childbirth." Dean explained. 

"Oh, I'm sorry." Castiel said and Dean smiled sadly, shrugging.

"Well, my mum used to sing me to sleep. She'd sing Hey Jude instead of a lullaby because it was her favourite Beatles song, and when I was sick, she would make me tomato rice soup because that's what her mum made her." Dean said.

"That... it must be nice - to remember things like that." Castiel muttered, and Dean nodded slowly.

"Yeah... it must be pretty hard to no be able to remember at all." Dean looked up to meet Castiel's eyes.

"There's no use mourning over someone I'll never remember." Castiel sighed. "I'd rather focus on the future and people I will remember."

*

At lunch, Castiel sat with Charlie, as usual, talking idly about new movies - Charlie expressing her outrage at Captain America: Civil War and Castiel struggling to understand her ran because who was Captain America? Did America have a captain? 

They were interrupted by Gabriel, who began by sucking up to Castiel before giving in and asking for money. Castiel sighed, told Gabriel to get a job or save up, and gave him some money.

Charlie watched him go before turning back to Castiel. "Your family are pretty close." She stated, sounding very sure of herself. 

"We are." Castiel nodded. "We - we only had each other growing up. Even before they took me in I had nobody and now I have them."

"So, what's their story?" Charlie asked, leaning back against the tree. "Do you worry about them like a mother hen? Like school? And the future?"

Castiel thought for a moment and heaved a sigh. "I worry for different reasons, for each of them. I worry about Samandriel getting picked on because he's different to other kids.

Samandriel actually has OCD, and he has to have things a certain way or he panics. Panics so much that he hurts himself without realising. Whether it's screaming until his throat bleeds or - or pulling his hair out. It's not that he's throwing a tantrum but he... he just can't handle the way his body and mind react to situations. And a lot of kids, um, and people in general, don't understand that and jusy disregard it and say he's spoiled. And Michael has to look after him, and there's times when he panics so much that he won't let anybody touch him or hold him except Michael but Michael isn't there because he has to work a lot. And - and there were times when Michael lost his job for having to leave early. I know a lot of people joke about it - having OCD, but it's a mental illness and it's so dangerous, and - and scary to witness and experience, knowing that the littlest thing could set him off.

And you know, he - he has autism, too. So, he's so in tune to things around him and it makes the likelihood of a panic attack so much greater. And with autism, too, he doesn't - he doesn't know how to approach other children without a basis of interests. The only reason he managed to talk to Adam was because Adam was playing with a dinosaur, and Samandriel loves dinosaurs. And Adam just - he saw someone with similar interests to him, but the other kids - well, they think that he acts weird and he's rude or insensitive but it's not that he does it on purpose. It's just who he is, and he can't help that.

Anna is next, I suppose. I worry that she, like Balthazar and Gabriel, care too much about reputation than they do about education. I'm always afraid that she'll fall into the vicious cycle that is today's society. I think she worries too much about what others think of her, and she struggles with body image and self-acceptance. 

Anna was adopted when she was seven, by Michael's father, but before that, when she was a child, Anna was placed in a psychiatric institution from time-to-time. She suffered from schizophrenia, and heard people talking in her mind, she said they were angels. She's always had schizophrenia but as a child she was neglected and emotionally abused by her parents, and that triggered episodes. It was investigated by social services and she was placed into care, soon to be adopted by Michael's dad, as you know. She seems to have moved on and treatment has worked but she still has schizophrenia, and she draws a lot of pictures of angels and stained glass windows but it is nowhere as near as bad as is used to be.

Balthazar cares about appearance, too. He acts snarky and sarcastic but he really isn't a bad person. He's - he's just afraid of getting close to people because... when he was around five, one day his parents just left him in an orphanage and he never saw then again. He still remembers them, but he doesn't like to talk about them. I think he has abandonment issues, because of that, but he cares so much about his family, and he really treasures us, apparently he was a little hesitant when he was adopted at the age of six, but eleven years later and he'd be lost with our family. 

Both Balthazar and Gabriel have ADHD. They don't like waiting, and have very little fear. Balthazar is recklessly impulsive - for example, he has a bad habit of stealing things, and when asked why he does it, he'll reply, and I quote, "because I could". He easily gets bored of tedious tasks, and struggles to focus on his work.

Gabriel is like him in that way, I suppose but Gabriel is more recklessly impulsive with, like, pranks and stuff, and that earns him attention. He likes being the center of attention, whether at parties or at school. He has little regard for other people, though - well, people he doesn't care about, but, I think he's just afraid of people. He's seen what people can do to others and that scares him.

He's experienced it, too. His ex-girlfriend, Kali, was very manipulative and destructive. She tore apart his confidence and got him addicted to drugs and drinking, and it got so bad that he ended up in hospital for weeks on end. And that really broke him. Raphael convinced him to break things off with Kali, and he's been recovering ever since. Gabriel and Raphael are very close, despite how different they are. They've been living with Michael since they were babies, and they grew up together and they know everything about each other.

Raphael is different than the rest of my siblings. I don't worry about Raphael failing in school because he won't. He's one of the smartest people I know and he isn't stupid - he knows the value of education and he knows that it's going to get him somewhere. No, I don't worry about Raphael's education as much because he doesn't give me any reason to. 

No. What I worry about is whether or not Raphael will come home after being out for a few hours. What I worry about is Raphael getting beaten, and probably killed, by police because he's black. What I worry about is Raphael getting beaten, and probably killed, because he's transgender. What I worry about is Raphael being murdered because of ignorance, because when a white person is murdered by a black person, people start a riot, and the slaughtering of black people is justified because of stereotypes and assumptions, but when a black is murdered by their so-called protectors, people turn their heads because black people have been labeled as criminals from the day they were born. That's what I worry about. And I know Raphael sees it, experiences it, and lives it everyday.

You know, when he fifteen, he was beaten and tased by a police officer because he'd taken Samandriel to the park. And even when Samandriel was crying and yelling for them to stop, and that he was his brother, they kept going. When asked why he'd been treated so brutally by the police, replied that they thought he was trying to kidnap Samandriel because they only saw one thing. A black person next to a white child. Those policemen weren't charged with assault, and they got away with almost killing him because they can hide behind a badge, but he can't hide the colour of my skin. And even if he could, he wouldn't, because he has nothing to be ashamed of, they do.

And lastly, Michael. He - he doesn't talk much about his childhood. His dad left them a few years ago, and they haven't seen him since. He works so, so much to support our family. He has three jobs, and he dropped out of high school when he was fifteen to look after his family. Ever since he was a kid, Gabriel told me that his dad used to leave him for weeks on end alone, and when hhew was six, he had to look after Gabriel and Raphael. His mum committed suicide when he was a baby, and that's all I really know, he doesn't like to talk about himself much. He - he's like a father to all of us, especially Samandriel. And I'm worried that one day it'll become too much for him."

All the while, Charlie had listened to the story in awe, taking in the various contrasting, yet similar, personalities in Castiel's family, completely speechless.

"We're not perfect," Castiel shrugged, "but nobody is."

*

At the end of the school day, Dean met Castiel at the school entrance, where the Winchester was waiting with his little brother, Sam.

"Hey, Cas, this is Sammy," Dean introduced, ruffling his brother's long hair, "Sammy, this is Cas."

"It's Sam," Sam sighed, "Sammy is a chubby twelve year old." Castiel laughed quietly, watching the brothers bicker. "Hi, Cas," Sam smiled.

"Hello, Sam, it's nice to finally meet you." Castiel returned the smile as they walked to Dean's car, a 1967 Chevy Impala.

"Cas can have shotgun because he's a guest, Sam." Dean announced and Sam gave a petulant pout before reluctantly climbing into the back seat.

"So, Cas, how's life in Kansas treating you so far?" Sam asked, popping his head over the front seat.

"Everyone seems nice enough, and my brothers haven't destroyed the city or burned down the school so so far so good." Castiel replied, earning him a laugh from Sam and Dean but he was actually very serious. They'd done it before.

"Yeah, we're a pretty tight-knit community but you'll settle in in no time." Sam said and Dean nodded in agreement.

"People here are real close, man, everyone knows everyone." Dean added. "And gossip like old women at bingo. Sam being one of them." Sam smacked his shoulder with a guilty mutter of "'m not."

"So, what's the latest gossip?" Castiel asked and Sam rolled his eyes before giving into his skindering ways.

"Mrs. Oliver's husband was caught having an affair," Sam began, and they continued to discuss the scandals of their town as they drove to the Winchester's home.

A/N: I've decided that I'm going to start putting quotes at the start of each chapter because I can and they'll be inspirational af. Yes, we have scratched the surface of some of the topics that'll be discussed. This is just a brief insight to Castiel's family but we'll go into more depth and other POVs later. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed!


	6. Meeting the Winchesters (and Bobby)

"Smile. Just smile because that's all you can do in the end and no one can take that away from you."

~ My 94 year old grandmother

*

"Heya, pops." Dean greeted as he entered the kitchen, with Castiel in tow, where two middle-aged men were seated at an old, rickety table, "hey Bobby, this is Cas." Dean walked around the table to the fridge, clapping one man, who had brownish grey curls, with some stubble, and hazel eyes, on the shoulder, "Cas, this is my dad, John, and that's uncle Bobby," he nodded to the man with a greying, sandy coloured beard and cap, introducing them as he grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge.

"It's nice to finally meet you Mr. Winchester, Mr. Singer." Castiel nodded to each of them appropriately, smiling politely.

Both men glanced at each other, eyebrows raised.

"Don't get manners like that anymore, son, I'll tell ya." Bobby said to Castiel. "Nice meeting you, too, kid. And Bobby's fine."

"John's fine, too." John smiled at him.

Dean circled back around the table and handed Castiel a bottle of water. Castiel thanked him, drawing circles on the condensation of the freezing cold bottle with his thumb.

"Me 'n Cas have some homework to finish so we'll be upstairs in my room," Dean said, adjusting his bag around his shoulder before gesturing to Castiel to follow him.

Dean's house wasn't old, but it wasn't new, either. It was old enough that the wooden floor boards squeaked when you walked across them, and the once bright yellow paint that coated the upstairs hallway was faded, but new enough that there weren't cobwebs hanging from the ceiling, and the door hinges hadn't rusted. Castiel liked it, deciding that the flaws gave the house character. 

Dean led him to the last room at the end of the hall, and unceremoniously dumped his bag onto his unmade bed.

Castiel looked around the room. The walls were a faded light blue, covered in posters of classic rock bands like Metallica and AC/DC, and there were clothes and school books strewn across the wooden floor. There was a cluttered desk in the corner, a wardrobe next to the window, and Dean's bed was next to a nightstand that had a half empty glass of water, a pair of earphones, a picture of a woman, and some other cluttered items.

"Sorry the place is a mess." Dean said, kicking some comic books under his bed, and picking a few things up off the floor.

Castiel shook his head and shrugged, "I don't mind. I'm used to messes at my own house." Castiel walked across the room, setting his bag down next to Dean's before walking over to the nightstand. Picking up the frame, he looked down at the picture of the woman - she had long, blonde hair, forest green eyes, and a dazzling smile. "Is this your mum?" Castiel asked.

"Hm? Oh, yeah, that's my mum." Dean said, distracted as he tried to make his room look a little more presentable.

"She's very beautiful." Castiel commented before placing the picture back down in its rightful place. Dean smiled. "Would you like some help?" Castiel asked but Dean waved him off as he shoved some of his clothes into the wardrobe and shut the door. 

"Eh, clean enough." Dean shrugged, taking a seat on the bed next to Castiel. They did their homework for a while, discussing the character of Juliet and why they hated her.

"I'm just saying, it's just self, self, self through the whole play." Dean argued.

"Isn't that a good thing, though? She's being her own person, and in the seventeenth century, that was pretty hard for a woman to do." Castiel pointed out.

"Yeah, well... shut up, Cas - this homework is about why we hate her." Dean pouted like a petulant child and Castiel remained quiet on the subject, a secret, victorious smile adorning his features as he continued to write.

They sat for a while, discussing the play, which eventually led to the modern mistreatment of women, and they focused especially on the inequality between men and women.

"Despite the various movements over the last few centuries, men and women still aren't equal." Castiel began, "for example, why are items such as tampons taxed? Why are common household items more expensive for women than they are men? And according to the Pew Research Center, women earn fourteen percent less than their male counterparts - and it's even worse for women of colour and women in developing countries. Not to mention how underrepresented women are in government, in news media, and in the technology sector - women are either seen a maternal figures or are just sexualized and degraded. And if they try to use their body to empower themselves they're automatically called sluts or whores..."

All the while, Dean watched and listened to him with interest, a warm feeling spreading through him and a smile breaking out on his face at how passionate his new friend was. He was so used to his friends talking about sex and complaining about school that it was a nice change.

Eventually they were interrupted by a small boy with short, sandy hair, and bright green eyes bounding into the room. Castiel assumed him to be Adam, Dean's youngest brother.

"Papa wants to know if Castiel's staying for dinner." Adam stated before turning to said teenager. "You staying for dinner, Cas?"

Castiel glanced at Dean with a questioning look, and Dean shrugged and gave him a look that said 'your choice'.

"If your father doesn't mind." Castiel shrugged, and Adam smiled before sprinting back out of the room with a yell of "he said yes, papa! He said he wants pizza! So did Dean!"

"That's Adam?" Castiel prompted and Dean chuckled before nodding.

"That's Adam. He likes pizza." Dean stated before they went back to work.

"Aaaand... done!" Dean grinned as he scribbled the last few words onto his homework before threw the book and pen down onto the bed, and relaxed.

"Me too," Castiel smiled, placing his books back in his bag. 

As if on cue, John called upstairs that dinner was here and both boys trotted downstairs to the kitchen, where Bobby, John, Adam, and Sam were already seated at the table, which was covered in boxes of pizza, napkins, cans of soda, and plates, reminding Castiel much of his own kitchen.

Castiel's kitchen, however, consisted of mismatched chairs of various materials and colours, and each person had a coloured plate, with a cartoon dinosaur on them, assigned to them, courtesy of Samandriel. Castiel's had an orange T-Rex. 

The various different chairs were due mostly to Balthazar and Gabriel, who sometimes got angry and kicked the legs, or ripped the material, beyond the point of repair. Anna, sometimes, spilled nail polish or make up on them to, and Samandriel had left a lot of marker stains and crayon smudges on the table.

Taking a seat next to Dean, Castiel helped himself to a slice of pizza. The family were talking avidly amongst each other, and Castiel settled instead for picking the pineapples off his pizza.

"So, Cas, you got much family?" Bobby prompted and Castiel looked up from his food, blue eyes wide before he blinked and nodded quickly.

"Yes. I have one sister and five brothers." Castiel said. "My oldest brother works for you, I believe."

"Michael?" John interrupted and Castiel nodded again. "I don't think working for us is enough to support a family of seven." John and Bobby shared a concerned look.

"Well, he actually has three jobs." Castiel frowned, worries for his oldest brother settling over him again. 

"But he - he works for us full time." Bobby said.

"He works afternoon shifts with you." Castiel shifted in his seat. "He works from five am to six thirty am, in the morning - at the bakery - and is given an hour and a half to go home and get Samandriel ready for school, and then he's goes back at eight until eleven, and then he works for you from noon to five pm, and works at The Roadhouse from six until his shift ends, which is usually around midnight or one in the morning - sometime later."

"So, like... when does he sleep?" Dean asked (shushing Adam, who had yelled "Sama's my bestest friend!")  and Castiel felt a sad smile tug at the corner of his mouth and shrugged.

"I'm not sure." He replied quietly.

Dinner went on normally after that with a few questions about Castiel's family and few concerned glances thrown at Castiel from Bobby and John while Adam chattered away about his school day and Sam did the same.

Castiel stayed for another hour or two before he had to leave, and Dean gave him a ride home with Adam in the back, bouncing on his seat excitedly at the prospect of seeing Samandriel, a picture book about dinosaurs clutched in his hands.

"I told Sama I'd let him see it!" Adam declared happily. "Hey, Cas?" 

"Hm?" Castiel snapped himself out of his thoughts and turned around to the youngest Winchester. "Yes, Adam?"

"Why does Sama act weird when things aren't neat?" Adam asked, kicking his feet.

"Well," Castiel frowned, thinking about how to explain it to a seven year old, "Samandriel has a mental - he, um, he has OCD and it means that he's sick but other people can't see it because it's in his head. Kind of like an invisible sickness." He explained in simple terms and Adam listened in awe, and Dean glanced at Castiel in the rear view mirror, a sympathetic look adorning his features. "Some people with OCD pull out their hair, some people exercise, but Samandriel likes things to be organised, and he - he panics if they aren't - it makes him act weird, like you say, because a part of his mind that's not well tells him to panic. 

I think, for Samandriel, having things organised makes him feel a little safe and in control of his life, and when someone or something tries to take that away from him, it scares him. And it's dangerous because he's obsessive about being organised  - obsessive means that it always comes back, over and over again - so he has to double check, and triple check, and he's so busy doing all of this checking that it... distracts him... from other things in his life. So, in my family we always do our best to make sure we use the right coloured plates, and we do our very best not to yell too much because it sometimes brings him out of his comfort zone and he'll panic."

"So, like, when he puts his crayons in order of colour," Adam began, "I shouldn't let the other kids try and change it?"

"Yes, things like that." Castiel smiled and Adam nodded in understanding, taking in the new information.

"When I'm a doctor, I can take care of Sama." Adam declared happily. "And he can have his crayons in any order he wants."

"I'm sure you will, little man," Dean smiled at him and Adam beamed, nodding.

"It - it can't be easy." Dean said quietly to Castiel as Adam flipped through his book.

"What can't be easy?" Castiel tilted his head to the side.

"Living with someone with OCD." Dean replied, "the constant worry that something - anything - can set him off."

"Like treading through a minefield." Castiel said, almost whispering. "It's - it's terrifying, sometimes, but I'd change anything to make him comfortable and make it more bearable for him because he can't help that he has a mental illness but I can do my best to help him through it."

They arrived at Castiel's house in a short space of time, and the sun was still up. 

"I think you'll like them," Castiel said as he began to open the door.

"-- YOU PUT THAT THING BACK WHERE IT CAME FROM OR SO HELP ME GOD --"

Castiel slammed the door shut and blinked. "I don't think anyone's home." He lied and Dean rolled his eyes, laughing at him.

"Open the door, Cas," Dean said, placing his hand over Castiel's and pushing down on the handle, opening the door, and gently shoving him inside.

"Adam?" Samandriel shot up from the floor, where he and Balthazar had been drawing pictures, laying on their bellies and kicking their feet in the air. "Adam! Can I show Adam my room? Can I? Can I? Can I?" Samandriel begged no one in particular.

"Go ahead, kiddo," Gabriel nodded from where he was sprawled out on the couch, staring at the black screen of the TV, while Balthazar was contemplating the fact that he just got ditched by a seven year old.

"We have to go soon, buddy, don't take too long." Dean ruffled his brother's hair before Samandriel grabbed his hand and led him up to his room.

"Look! I brought the book I was gonna show you tomorrow!" They heard Adam say as he and Samandriel ran up the stairs, right past Anna, who was wearing a bathrobe and a green face mask, with with a towel on her head.

Spotting Dean, Anna cringed before hissing to Castiel, "you didn't tell me we had guests - oh my god, I look like a kiwi!" And she went bombing back up the stairs as quickly as she had come down.

"That was Samandriel and Anna," Castiel explained. "That's Gabriel, and there's Balthazar and - where's Raphael?"

"Doing the dishes." Gabriel shrugged, kicking Balthazar as he tried to sit on his feet. "Get off my feet!"

"Move them then," Balthazar whacked brother's legs.

"Why aren't you watching the TV?" Dean asked, collapsing down on the armchair on the right to the couch. Castiel sat on the arm of the armchair beside him.

"Because we refuse to let technology and fake reality TV corrupt our young minds." Gabriel said dramatically.

"Gabe threw the remote at the wall earlier and broke it, and the power button on the side of the TV isn't working." Balthazar explained, earning him another kick from his older brother.

"You better get your fucking feet away from me if you wanna keep them," Balthazar snapped, whacking him again.

Castiel rolled his eyes at them and Dean laughed, their bickering reminding him of himself and Sam. He looked around at the pictures on the walls, pictures of the family together and individually.

They talked for a while, Dean finally met Raphael, and Anna came back down the stairs, her face clear of any face masks and wearing a pair pyjama shorts and a shirt which was much too big in her, and Castiel could vaguely recall being Michael's. They really needed to stop wearing his clothes, Castiel thought.

"It's nice to give warnings to people, Castiel," she muttered as she came back from the kitchen, sipping her orange juice and sitting on Gabriel's legs since he refused to sit up.

They talked for a while, mostly about how the Novaks were settling in to their new home, until it was suddenly dark out.

"Shit - what time is it?" Dean exclaimed, looking down at his watch. "We better get going." He called Adam down, and his little brother came racing down clutching a large, stuffed blue dinosaur in his tiny hands.

"I let Sama borrow my book so he let me borrow his dinosaur, Jack" Adam explained, and Samandriel nodded behind him, the book in his hands.

"Alright, I'll make sure he takes extra special care of Jack." Dean assured him and Samandriel beamed. "It was nice meeting you guys, I'll see ya." Dean waved as he ushered Adam out the door, who was incessantly waving at his best friend.

"He's nice," Raphael commented, picking up his book from the coffee table and making himself comfortable in the other armchair.

"He is fine," Anna smiled dreamily, and Balthazar flicked her on the head.

"You're too young to think like that." Balthazar stated and she rolled her eyes at him.

"I'm fourteen and I'll do what I want... as long as Michael says it's okay." Anna muttered the last part.

Bedtime rolled around far too quickly for Castiel's liking. He quite enjoyed just sitting with his siblings and talking. It was nice.

Castiel scrambled around his room, looking for his charger before muttering "Gabriel" with a sigh, stomping to his older brother's room.

"Gabriel, do you have my charger?" Castiel asked, storming into Gabriel's room where Gabriel was standing in front of the mirror, assessing himself.

"It's on my bed." He said, distracted, and Castiel nodded before grabbing it. Just as he was about to leave, Gabriel spoke up again. "Cassie, do you..." he awkwardly fidgeted with the hem of his shirt, "do you think I'm ugly?"

Castiel frowned, slowly closing the door over. "Of course not, Gabriel." He said softly, making his way over to th bed and sitting down on it, patting the space next to him.

Gabriel looked reluctant before he sat down next to him. "But I'm fat." He stated, looking down at his hands.

"First of, you're not." Castiel stated, which was true. Sure, his brother had a little extra pudge, but who didn't? "And why would it matter if you were? Who says fat's ugly? You're very handsome, Gabriel."

Gabriel blushed lightly, before joking quietly, "can you call me beautiful?" 

Castiel smiled. "You're very beautiful, Gabriel." 

"I don't feel like it." Gabriel sighed. "I'm just - I don't - I don't like it. I don't like my body. I hate that I'm fat, and that I'm short, and my hair is just disgusting. And my skin is -"

"Gabriel, you used to tell me that loving yourself is one of the hardest things that you can do but you taught me how to do it." Castiel said. "So what if your hair's a little messy and your skin isn't as clear as a crystal? So what? It's what's on the inside that counts. You taught me that, remember?"

"I don't like people touching or looking at me, either --" Gabriel began.

"Then don't let them. It's your body, and until you feel comfortable enough to show it off, no one else can force you to, and if they try then don't associate yourself with them. You deserve better." Castiel said.

"You're right." Gabriel nodded, wiping his eyes. "You go to bed, kiddo," he smiled, "I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?" Castiel asked, and Gabriel nodded. Castiel left a little uncertain, making a mental note to talk with Gabriel in the morning.

However, the next morning he found himself so unusually busy that he didn't seem to notice Gabriel emptying a full plate of his breakfast into the trash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we've started to go into a little depth about Samandriel's OCD, and the topics of gender inequality and body image problems. I created this book to bring awareness to various mental health problems and general societal problems that we face today, and I will start to explain different coping mechanisms later in the story. Obviously, the characters epitomise these problems, and I thought it'd be a good way to bring awareness to them. So if there is anything you'd like me to discuss or bring awareness to, don't hesitate to let me know. And, once again, if you're struggling with anything (anything at all) my inbox is always open. Hope you enjoyed!


	7. Making a Difference

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for a brief discussion of schizophrenia and depression

"You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it."

~ Unknown

Castiel sat opposite Chuck in his English class, as his teacher had decided to teach him an alternate English course that was not specified on the school syllabus. 

Castiel liked Chuck a lot but there was something about him that the Novak couldn't quite put his finger on - he seemed familiar somehow. The principal, Castiel noticed, was an anxiety ridden mess.

"I have no - no control over the school - if it weren't for Charlie Bradbury we'd be bankrupt." Chuck sighed, running a shaky hand through his brown curls. "The students vandalise the walls, and I'm - I'm pretty sure there's a monkey in the biology lab. Not one single student follows the dress code - or the teachers. There's a homeless man outside that pretends to be the kids' parents and - and don't even get me started on the smell of smoke coming from some of the bathrooms. The school is practically falling apart."

Chuck 's rant opened Castiel's eyes a little. Charlie's description of the school was fun and carefree, Chuck's description of the school was that it was falling apart. Gears started turning in Castiel's head about the various perceptions of the school in regards to students and teachers.

Students wrote on the walls but Chuck couldn't afford to clean it. It wasn't a matter of individualism - it was a lack of funding in the school. The students inability to follow the dress code was probably a result of Chuck's likely fear of teenagers. Castiel wondered why he decided to open a school with such a fear.

Castiel supposed that a lot of things that happened in the school happened without Chuck's knowing - like the monkey, for example. The principal relied heavily on Charlie's hacking skills otherwise the school would just collapse, both literally and figuratively. 

"Why don't - why don't you hold fundraisers for the community or - or talk to the students about it?" Castiel suggested. "Why are you so nervous about it now, when it's never bothered you before?"

"We're under investigation from the Board of Education." Chuck admitted, and Castiel thought that if you were to stick around Chuck for a little while, he'd probably tell you his whole life story.

"So tell the students that." Castiel said and Chuck shook his head.

"At the end of the day, they're still teenagers and teenagers don't care about their school." Chuck sighed and Castiel frowned.

"I'll help you." Castiel offered, "we'll hold fundraisers, and fun days, and we'll - we'll get a counsellor, maybe, for the students."

"Yeah, yeah - my friend's a retired counsellor, he wouldn't mind helping out." Chuck nodded, and the ideas bounced off of them.

"It's about changing the attitude of the student body." Castiel explained and Chuck nodded again, leaning back in his chair.

"Changing the attitude of the student body," Chuck quoted, looking thoughtful.

And there was something about the suggesting of ideas and inspiration that was familiar to Castiel, like a blurred memory, and something about Chuck that was even more familiar.

"And you're gonna help me do it! You're now the events manager for school events and fundraisers!" Chuck announced happily and Castiel spluttered.

"And I'm what?" Castiel asked, "I can't - I don't - no, no I'm not - I can't."

"Yes, you can, and you are." Chuck ordered, "firstly, we can... have a dance! Like, a fundraiser, you know? Kids like dancing, right?"

Castiel was pretty sure he'd just made his own life a lot harder.

.................

Castiel was sitting in his drama class with Dean, who was complaining about his French homework and wondering why hew even chose to study French in the first place. Crowley was arguing with a redheaded lady, with an even stronger Scottish accent than the drama teacher himself, that Castiel had never seen before.

"That's his mum, Rowena, she, like, practices witchcraft and stuff. She comes into the school every now and again, she likes Chuck a lot. I don't think Becky likes her." Dean explained and Castiel nodded in understanding. 

Castiel looked at Dean, who was quickly sketching a drawing of Mercutio. He liked Dean. 

He liked Dean a lot.

Dean was popular and he hung out with the popular kids in school, like Lisa Braeden and Meg Masters, but everyday he still made an effort to say hello to Castiel, regardless of what others thought. 

Castiel had been in the school long enough to gain a reputation as the quiet kid in most of the AP classes, and the little brother of the two biggest troublemakers in the school, and was often asked, by sixteen year old girls, if his oldest brother was single (as many of them had seen him due to his numerous visits to the school on behalf of Balthazar and Gabriel). Castiel hung out with Charlie and talked to Sam, and his friend Kevin, in the hallway, and generally just kept his head down and got on with his work.

So, to jump on the bandwagon that is the cliché of high school, people usually didn't associate the quiet kid and the popular kid together. But Dean was different. He talked to Castiel, he made him laugh, and he didn't treat him like an outcast.

Yeah, he liked Dean a lot.

"Hey, dude, Lisa's throwing a party this weekend if you wanna go." Dean informed him, looking up from his sketch.

"With you?" Castiel asked, the idea of going to a party full of drunk and stoned teenagers made his heart race, and maybe - just maybe - the fact that Dean had asked him, too.

"Yeah," Dean shrugged, "should be fun."

Castiel thought for a moment before nodding slowly, "okay, I'll go."

Dean smiled, looking back down at his work.

................

"He asked you on a date?" Charlie exclaimed, as Jo Harvelle sat down next to her in the Roadhouse after school that day.

"Who asked you on a date?" Jo asked. Castiel liked Jo, she was nice to him, funny, and she had a rather adamant attitude, not stubborn, but held some strong core beliefs - she was like Raphael and Anna in that way.

"Nobody asked me on a date." Castiel sighed, "Dean invited me to Lisa's party on Saturday."

Jo and Charlie exchanged looks before turning to Castiel, and saying simultaneously, "that's a date."

"No, a lot of people get invited to parties." Castiel reminded them, lowering his head to take a sip of his soda before sighing. 

Okay, maybe he had the tiniest crush on the Winchester, but they were so different. Sure, being different would work out fine as friends but if (and probably never in as million years) Dean and Castiel dated, Dean was the type of person to do it in the back of a car while Castiel was still trying to figure out when it was appropriate to hug people, and being asexual might put even more strain on any kind of relationship. To Castiel, a relationship probably wouldn't work out.

Later that night, Castiel went to bed, his conversation with Charlie and Jo running through his head. Had Dean asked him on a date? A party wasn't a typical date, but then again, Dean wasn't a typical guy.

He finally came to a conclusion and it was no. It wasn't a date. It was just Dean inviting him to a party. It was completely platonic.

.................

A clattering of plates snapped Castiel out of his sleep and he sat up in his bed, straining his ears to hear anything else. A muffled shuffling could be heard down the stairs and Castiel followed the noise, meeting a tired looking Anna in the hallway, her red hair in complete disarray and her eyes heavy. Like Castiel, she was light sleeper. His other siblings, on the other hand, could sleep through an earthquake.

"Michael," the siblings muttered simultaneously before trotting down the stairs to the kitchen, where Michael was clumsily picking up the broken pieces of a bowl, swaying on the spot slightly.

"Here, I'll get that." Anna commented, reaching into the cupboard to get a dustpan and brush, carefully treading over the broken glass as not to cut her bare feet. 

"Thank you, sweetheart," Michael sighed heavily, still swaying as he leaned on the counter to hold himself up.

"Are you," Castiel paused, assessing his brother's messy hair and slightly rosy cheeks, the familiar smell of alcohol and smoke as strong as ever, "are you drunk?"

"Little bit," Michael admitted and Castiel frowned. Michael never drank, much less had ever been drunk, as far as Castiel knew. "Did I wake you?"

"No, we were awake." Anna lied, knowing how guilty her brother would be if he knew he had woken them on a school night. Castiel nodded along with her, however, Michael didn't look convinced but didn't press the topic.

"Is," Michael hiccoughed, his eyes fluttering shut for a moment before he opened them, "is your homework done?" Both Anna and Castiel nodded.

"Are you okay, Michael?" Anna asked, putting the dustpan and brush back into the cupboard before placing a concerned hand on his arm. 

Michael gave a tired smile, pulling her into a one-armed hug with a mutter of "I'm fine, just a little tired."

Castiel and Anna exchanged worried looks before helping him up to bed, where he collapsed onto it, fully clothed and went out like a light.

It was almost five in the morning, and thankfully, Michael didn't work at the bakery on Fridays, and his shift with John and Bobby didn't start until noon, therefore he could get a few hours sleep. 

"I'll take Samandriel to school today." Castiel said, falling down onto the couch next to his sister. There was no point in trying to go to sleep - once he was awake it was staying that way. "What do you think is wrong with Michael? He seemed pretty upset." He asked, and Anna shifted on the couch, turning around to face him, her legs crossed.

"Do you know Leah Demonse?" Anna asked and Castiel nodded, a little confused. "Well, she has an older sister."

"Lilith." Castiel supplied and Anna nodded, twirling a strand of her hair between her fingers.

"Yeah, well, yesterday she got engaged to a guy named Lucifer Rosen, you know, your homeroom teacher's son." Anna explained and Castiel tilted his head to the side.

"So?" Castiel pressed. Why would Michael be upset about some woman getting engaged?

"So... okay, you didn't hear this from me, but this guy, Lucifer, is Michael's ex-fiancé." Anna revealed.

"What?" Castiel exclaimed. "How do you - what?" He never knew Michael had ever been engaged, hell,  Michael barely went on dates.

"Balthazar told me." Anna continued, "before me and Samandriel were adopted, when Michael was around sixteen, he dated this guy for two or three years and they got engaged when they were eighteen, but that same year Michael moved and he never saw him again." 

A wave of sadness washed over Castiel, and he didn't know what to say. "That's sad." Anna nodded in agreement. Deciding to change the topic, he asked, "so, how are you?"

Anna frowned and thought for a minute before shrugging, "I'm alright."

"How are your therapy sessions going?" Castiel asked. "Are you taking your medication?"

"Yeah, and they're going alright." Anna gave a small smile, looking down at her feet.

"Are - are they getting better?" Castiel asked, and by 'they' he meant the voices in her mind. She had described them as sounding as though they were right in her ear, but sometimes like a thought. "I know that a part of the treatment is not talking about them a lot but - but I worry, you know?"

Anna had explained to him that what she heard was neutral, neither complementary nor critical, as many people experience. Some people even said that the voices commanded them to do something - something potentially dangerous or harmful, which always worried Castiel no matter what Anna said about them being neutral. Other people explained that the voice engaged them in conversation. Anna said that she didn't talk to them - it was more like people talking to each other.

At a much younger age, Anna was placed in a psychiatric institution because the voices she had been hearing had prevented her from doing most things - even sleeping. She had been in and out of the institution for four or five years before she was adopted at seven by the Novaks. She believed that she was hearing angels - a lot of angels - and said that they all talk over each other. 

Castiel had guessed that the angels and religious side to it had been a result of her very religious parents. Castiel didn't like the sound of her parents, she said they were religious maniacs. They neglected and abused her her whole life, and her therapist believed that it was that that had triggered her schizophrenia. 

"I think so." Anna said quietly. "I can sleep without much trouble these days, and I can focus on my schoolwork. It's the little things that matter." Castiel smiled at her and nodded in agreement. 

...............

When he entered Samandriel's bedroom two hours later, Castiel found it empty, meaning that his little brother was either already up or had gone to sleep next to Michael.

"Samandriel, we need to get ready for school --" Castiel opened the door to Michael's bedroom to see Samandriel standing by his bed, just watching his older brother and clutching one of his favourite dinosaur teddies to his chest.

"Michael's not awake." Samandriel stated quietly.

"Yeah, he's just very sleepy." Castiel replied softly, stepping into the room.

"Because he's sad?" Samandriel asked.

Castiel stopped in his tracks, his mouth opening and closing in desperate search for an answer. They sure didn't give Samandriel enough credit - he was much more observant than they thought. Michael was working, Castiel could've said, but Samandriel was smarter than that. 

"Yeah, he's a little sad right now." Castiel replied honestly.

"Is it because of me?" Samandriel asked, glancing back at him, and Castiel felt his heart break. 

"C'mere," Castiel knelt down and held out his arms, and his little brother walked into his embrace, burying his face in Castiel's chest. "Michael - none of us - will ever be sad because of you. We all need our little Sammy to keep us from going crazy, don't we? No, Michael's sad right now because someone he loves - he lost them, but he'll feel better soon, okay?" Castiel looked Samandriel in the eyes and the younger boy nodded. "Okay, go get ready for school."

Castiel watched him walk out of the room, his dinosaur's tail weakly clutched in his hand and dragging on the floor, however, he stopped at the door, and looked back at Michael before he said;

"Micha's not sad just right now - he's  been sad for a long time." 

................

Samandriel didn't talk much on the walk to school, he just stared down at his scuffed shoes and walked hand-in-hand with Castiel.

Leaving his little brother at his class, Castiel left the elementary school with a heavy heart, walking along the empty streets of his small town, running late for school, however, he just couldn't find it in himself to care.

Samandriel was right. Michael had been sad for a long time, and Castiel didn't know how to help him. This was supposed to be their fresh start; a clean slate.

Michael wasn't supposed to be sad anymore.

But he is, Castiel thought hopelessly, and he can't help that. Castiel understood that, but he didn't want to accept it. Because to know that his oldest brother - the one he saw almost as a father - would go to sleep at night with the hope that he wouldn't wake up the next morning, well, that was something that Castiel never wanted to accept, because one day it might just come true.

Castiel's thoughts took a downward spiral from there and he found himself walking straight passed his school and continuing on until he found himself sitting by the small lake in the town's local nature walk.

Laying back on the grass, he stared up at the clear blue sky and thought about his oldest brother, and what he knew of his life, the ups and the downs.

Life was interesting in that way, Castiel thought. Some people go through their life and trip on a brick, and other people find themselves face-to-face with a whole wall. 

But that doesn't mean you should stop. No, it means that it'll take you a little longer to get to where you need to be - you need to take the wall apart brick by brick, and no matter how long it takes, you'll eventually get there if you try hard enough. And if life keeps building walls for you, you just keep taking them apart and move on.

Like Michael, for example, growing up with an absentee father and raising five - six, including me - kids on his own. Losing his fiancé when he was eighteen, and his mother when he was a baby. Finding out his little brother was addicted to drugs, and finding that another was actually a boy. One little brother with OCD, and one little sister with schizophrenia. Another brother that was abandoned as a child, and another found on the streets. And yet, he's still here. Whether out of moral obligation or because he wants to be, he's still here and I'm proud of him.

Castiel smiled, and perhaps he would have looked weird to any passing stranger - a teenage boy laying beside a lake in rather not quite warm weather, looking up at the sky and smiling - but in those few hours that he sat there, he saw the first sign of hope he had in a long time.

.................

Later that night, Castiel called to Charlie's house to visit her and collect any work he'd missed that day in school.

"Where were you today, dude?" Charlie asked as she sat down next to him on the couch.

"I wasn't feeling well." Castiel shrugged and Charlie nodded in understanding. "Are you sure your parents won't mind me being here?"

Charlie looked down at her hands momentarily before nodding. "Yeah." She cleared her throat and shrugged.

Castiel frowned, feeling a little worried. What had that been about? "Charlie?" He pressed, "where are your parents? I've never seen them here." Which was true, he'd been to Charlie's house plenty, and had stayed quite a few times and not once had he ever met her parents. Charlie looked down at her hands and shook her head.

Castiel had known Charlie for a few months now, and they had grown very close, talking to each other everyday and talking about things they loved, hated, what they wanted to be when they were older - everything, well, almost everything. Charlie had met and loved each and every one of Castiel's family members but Castiel didn't know anything about his best friend's family.

"You can - you can tell me." Castiel said quietly, and Charlie felt tears spring to her eyes. Castiel hesitantly shifted closer to her and awkwardly wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into a hug. 

As a child, no one ever hugged him when he was upset, he often wondered if his father had but he could never remember, but it was a nice gesture, odd, but still nice.

Castiel didn't pressure her to speak, and didn't mind when he felt her tears soak through his shirt when she relaxed in his arms. They sat in silence for a while, but Castiel didn't mind. Charlie listened to him when he needed to talk about his family, and if a hug and silence was her way of venting then he'd sit with her forever.

After a while, she spoke up, "do you remember when I told you that I had PTSD?" She asked quietly and Castiel nodded. He had researched it later the day she told him, to see if he could do anything to make it easier for her. "I... I never told you how it developed, did I?"

"No," Castiel replied gently, his cheek resting against Charlie's hair, brushing a few strands out of her face.

"When I was twelve, I was going to a sleepover and - and my parents drove me there but... but there was a - an accident, and the car - the car crashed..." Castiel felt Charlie shaking and whispered that it was okay, and Charlie continued, "my - my mum and dad fell into a coma after the crash, and I - I haven't visited them in the hospital - I haven't seen them in five years, Castiel." Charlie was crying into his chest, his shirt balled into her fists.

"I'm so sorry, Charlie," Castiel said, tightening his arms around her the tiniest bit, "have you been living here alone for five years - since you were twelve?"

Charlie nodded. "I - I told the nurse I was going to stay with my aunt but I couldn't leave them, even if I didn't visit. I stole money online to pay for their hospital bills through an anonymous donor, and I forged bills and paperwork to stay in the house. They all think my aunt lives with me."

Memories of Castiel being alone on the street came flooding back to him, the loneliness, the sadness, the feeling of isolation, and to see his friend going through the same thing, he couldn't help the next thing that tumbled from his mouth;

"Move in with me." 

Charlie looked up at him with wide, red - rimmed eyes. "What?" She asked and Castiel nodded slowly.

"Move in with me." Castiel repeated. Sure, his family didn't have much money - Michael could barely afford to feed the seven of them, and one extra mouth would be a huge strain but they'd be more than willing to share - and yes, he'd only known Charlie for a little while, but it felt right. Nobody should ever be alone for too long, it's not good for them.

"You can sleep in my room, or Anna's, or we can make Balthazar and Gabriel share," Castiel gave her a small encouraging smile, "and you can get your own coloured dinosaur plate, and you can fight to have a shower in the morning, and - and yell about people in the house stealing your things, and eating all of the cereal, and you can argue over the remote, and sit on Gabriel when he refuses to sit up properly on the couch - you can wake up in the morning to yelling teenagers and annoying alarms, and come home and trip over a school bag by the front door, and go to sleep after smacking the wall to tell people to stop snoring - you can have and family. And we'll be there for you everyday until your parents wake up."

Charlie was speechless for a while. "I - I can't do that... can I?"

"Yes, you can." Castiel replied.

"And - and I wouldn't... be a burden?" Charlie asked quietly.

"And you wouldn't be a burden." Castiel agreed.

"And your family wouldn't mind?" Charlie continued.

"And my family wouldn't mind." Castiel shook his head.

"And if I were to... move in... you know, I have nightmares and I - sometimes I get really angry and irritated - and I--" Charlie let out a shaky breath.

"Will fit in no problem." Castiel said. "Last week you watched Gabriel body slam Balthazar onto the ground, you never know, next week it could be you."

It took a lot of convincing on Castiel's behalf but he finally managed to get an anxious Charlie to agree, and then he had to call Michael and beg (if need be).

The phone kept ringing and Charlie grew more anxious, to the point where she started to bite her nails.

"What if he says no?" Charlie asked.

"He won't," Castiel replied, gently slapping her hand away from her mouth. "Yeah, hi, Michael," Castiel greeted as the phone stopped ringing and Michael picked up.

"Hey, Cas, what's up?" Came Michael's reply on the other end of the line.

"Well," Castiel sighed and explained Charlie's whole situation to his oldest brother, being sure to throw in a few comments of his time on the streets when Michael found him, and Michael listened carefully, remaining silent.

Charlie watched him nervously, and froze when Castiel held out the phone and said "he wants to talk to you."

Castiel went into the kitchen to get them both a drink while Charlie talked to Michael. He was going to let her move in, Castiel just knew it. He returned from the kitchen with two glasses of water and seated himself next to Charlie.

"Thank you, Michael, thank you so much," Charlie said calmly while whacking Castiel excitedly on the arm, mouthing "he said yes."

"I wouldn't have guessed," Castiel muttered, rubbing his arm as Charlie said goodbye to Michael before repeating "he said yes!"

"Of course he did." Castiel smiled as Charlie hugged him. Having friends was a new experience for him, and he'd hugged more people in the last months than he had hid whole life. 

"Although, Michael said something about the school calling and that you weren't there." Charlie told him and Castiel shrugged.

"I'll just tell him I was sick." Castiel said, although slightly panicking in case Michael would tell him off. He hated disappointing him, especially when it came to school. Michael always told them that school was important, and how he was lucky to have a job considering that he'd dropped out at fifteen with barely any qualifications. Although Castiel doubted that missing one day would affect his schoolwork. 

"So, like, do I pack a bag?" Charlie nudged Castiel out of his thoughts and he shrugged, nodding.

"Maybe you should pack a small bag tonight and we'll come back next week to get whatever else you need." Castiel suggested and Charlie nodded, bounding off excitedly to her room to pack some clothes and toiletries.

Castiel looked around the living room, which was rather bland in appearance, and he felt an ache in his heart, thinking of all of the days Charlie had come home to an empty house - to nobody. And how she must have felt not knowing if her parents would ever come back.

No, Castiel decided, Charlie was going to have a family she'd be happy with - safe with. She'd never be so alone again.

Charlie came back carrying a backpack over her shoulder. 

"Ready?" Castiel stood up, straightening his clothes a little. Charlie nodded, and they left.

"What if your family don't like me?" Charlie asked as they walked along the streets, the sun just barely setting and giving the sky a pinkish orange glow.

"My family love you." Castiel sighed, trying to put Charlie's worries at ease.

"Yeah, but what if they don't want me to live with them?" Charlie pressed.

"I don't care what they think. Michael said it's okay, I said it's okay, so it's okay." Castiel said, before rolling his eyes. "You know, Anna will be excited to have another girl in the house, Samandriel can show off his toys, Balthazar and Gabriel can have someone to play video games with, Raphael and Michael can have someone else to nag to about homework and chores... and I'll know that you won't be going home alone everyday, and I can live with my best friend."

Charlie smiled, and Castiel felt her hand slide into his and give it a gentle squeeze. "Thank you," she said softly, and Castiel smiled at her.

"So, did I tell you what Chuck has appointed me as?" Castiel began.

.................

"Hey, guys, Charlie's here." Castiel announced, dragging Charlie into the house by the hand. Anna and Gabriel were sitting on the floor around the coffee table doing homework, Raphael was helping Samandriel with his reading on the armchair, and Balthazar was nowhere in sight. "I'll go get Balthazar, wait here."

Castiel climbed the stairs to Balthazar's room, knocking on the door before entering, something that none of his siblings (bar Michael and Raphael) had the decency to do.

"Balthazar, I need you to - why is there there a hole in your door?" Castiel interrupted himself, staring at the large hole in the door. It didn't go all the way through, otherwise he would've noticed it on his way in.

"The school's making me get a tutor - stupid Jo Harvelle and her stupid face." Balthazar grumbled.

Castiel glanced at the small cuts on Balthazar's knuckles, which were bright pink, and sighed. "So you punched the door?"

Balthazar's eyes flickered to his hand before he quickly covered it and frowned, mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like "maybe, shut up."

"I need you to come down the stairs, I have some news," Castiel dragged his brother down the stairs, making a mental note to ask about his tutoring.

"So, guys," Castiel began once everyone was in the living room, "Charlie will be living with us from now on." 

And just like Castiel predicted, Anna shot up first with a relived sigh of "finally, another girl!" while Samandriel hopped in his seat next to Raphael yelling, "you have to meet Philociraptor!" and Gabriel and Balthazar were telling her that Castiel sucked at Call of Duty and they'd  finally have someone good to play with, however, they were all shut up by Raphael asking her if she'd done her homework.

"Uh... yes?" Charlie lied, looking pointlessly hopeful and pouted when Raphael pointed to where Gabriel and Anna were surrounded by book and pens. Charlie rolled her eyes and plopped down next to them, taking books from her bag and getting to work, soon joined by a reluctant Balthazar and Castiel. 

A buzz on his phone momentarily distracted Castiel and he opened up his messages. It was Dean.

From: Boop 

I'll pick you up tomorrow at 8 for the party

"Castiel, put your phone away and do your homework." Raphael ordered (like Michael, he never missed a thing) before focusing his attention back on Samandriel and his reading.

Castiel typed out at quickly reply before throwing his phone onto the couch, smiling to himself.

It wasn't a date... right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yes, at request, I discussed PTSD and hearing voices, both of which are very serious, and I'll go into more depth about them later in the story, and if there's anything you'd like me to discuss then do not hesitate to ask. I don't really like this chapter and the Charlie moving in thing might seem like it happened pretty quick but that's because we have to get the ball rolling, guys, gals, and everything in between. Anyways, hope you enjoyed!
> 
> P.S. I don't know if any of you noticed, but it's Castiel who has anxiety, hence the constant worrying and things like that. I'll talk more about it later in the story.


	8. He Smells Like Petrol

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." 

~Dr. Seuss

It was unusually warm for October, Castiel decided as he claimed a chair at his mismatched kitchen table in his almost scorching hot kitchen. The glaring sun filtered through the curtains, illuminating the whole room. The kitchen, although empty at that moment, was sure to be bustling with teenagers in a few short hours so Castiel relished in the quietness and serenity while it lasted. 

Having just moved in the previous night, decisions about Charlie's living arrangements had yet to be settled so the redhead was huddled under the blankets in Castiel's bed after falling asleep while making him watch various superhero movies from the Marvel franchise. 

Castiel didn't understand the big fuss about them. They were just movies. After telling that to Charlie, her head slowly turned around to look at him and Castiel could've sworn that her eye twitched. He decided to keep the remainder of his comments to himself after that.

While Charlie slept beside him and hogged all of his blankets, Castiel was typing, deleting, and then retyping 'hey, sorry, Dean but I don't think I can make it to the party' over and over again. At the time, the feeling of fear of going to a party full of drunk and stoned teenagers was clouded by the idea of going with Dean. However, the more the Novak thought about it, the more daunting the prospect became.

Talking to people, especially strangers, made his heart race and jumbled his thoughts until he was just standing and staring at people with his mouth halfway open and no sound coming out. Or, and he wasn't sure if it was worse, he would ramble. Ramble on and on until he completely forgot the question and by that point he'd be too embarrassed to ask again and would try to improv and then embarrass himself. His hands would be shaking more than an earthquake and sweating like Niagara Falls. And the butterflies in his stomach - they were probably the worst. They made him feel physically nauseous and weak, like he was going to collapse under the pressure of something as mundane as telling his order to the waiter or - and probably the worst - giving a speech to his class.

That was the joyous promise he had made to Dean when he accepted his invitation.

Switching on his phone, Castiel aimlessly flicked through his messages and apps, bored, until he heard the telltale pitter patter of feet slowly moving down the stairs and across the living room until eventually the kitchen door was pushed open and Samandriel waddled in, wearing a green dinosaur onesie (complete with a tail and a hood shaped like a dinosaur head), rubbing his eyes sleepily with his tiny fists.

"Morning, Samandriel," Castiel gave him a small, encouraging smile as Samandriel silently made his way over to the fridge and pulled out a carton of milk. He remained quiet as he took a bowl from the cupboard, cereal from the counters, and a spoon from the drawer. He went about making his breakfast without a word or a glance at his older brother and eventually settled at the opposite end of the table, eating his cereal in total silence.

Alarm bells went off in Castiel's mind as Samandriel ate his breakfast. He cleared his throat and shifted a little in his seat. 

"Everything okay?" Castiel prompted and Samandriel shrugged through a mouthful of cereal. They sat in silence for a while. It wasn't uncommon for Samandriel to sit for long periods without talking. It was, however, a clear indication that something was bothering him. So Castiel waited for him to speak up, like he usually would.

"Do you think God made a mistake when he made me?" Samandriel's voice was quiet, disrupting the silence that had fallen over the room. 

"No, of course not - why would you ever think that?" Castiel asked. Despite not being religious himself, Samandriel was, so Castiel often told him that "God loves everybody equally - He created you with a purpose" and so on and so forth, whilst Gabriel encouraged him with "What would Jesus do - what would a dinosaur do?" They had different approaches but both made their little brother smile.

"Because the other kids at school say it. They think I'm weird." Samandriel shrugged, trying to act nonchalant, although his spoon lay in his bowl and he stared down at it, one hand reaching up to his rub his eyes.

"You're not weird. You just... think differently from the other kids." Castiel replied, his heart clenching at the thought of other children ganging up on his seven year old brother.

"And that makes me weird." Samandriel said, angrily wiping tears from his eyes. 

"No. No, it doesn't. Thinking differently doesn't make you weird, Samandriel. C'mere," Castiel held out his arms and Samandriel slowly climbed out of his chair and made his way over to his brother, climbing into his lap. "Look at me." Castiel ordered and Samandriel looked up at him with glossy, red-rimmed eyes. "Let me tell you a story, okay?" He suggested and Samandriel nodded.

"You're not gonna believe this but when you were a little baby, around one or two, people used to think that Raphael was a girl." Castiel began.

"What!" Samandriel exclaimed, his eyes widening, "you're lying!" He accused. "RaRa's not a girl!"

"I'm not, and you're right, he's not." Castiel laughed quietly and Samandriel let him continue, although he looked a little suspicious and unbelieving. "Anyways, while everyone was thinking that Raphael was a girl, Raphael was very confused and was thinking, "no, I'm not a girl - I'm a boy". And Raphael thought this for a really long time, even when he was little, and even though people called him a girl, Raphael never liked being called a girl. And Michael used think he was just a little bit of tomboy and that he would grow out of this phase but he never did.

When he was twelve or thirteen, Raphael told everyone that he was a boy but that didn't change what they thought of him, he was the same person, just a boy now, but they all loved him the same amount they did before. 

But some people didn't like that Raphael was a boy now, they thought he was being stupid, attention-seeking, confused, silly - they even said that he was going to hell, and that God made his body for him and that he was a girl. Some people even called him weird because he thought differently to them - because he didn't think like them. But you don't think Raphael's weird, do you?" Castiel asked, and Samandriel shook his head wildly. "And Raphael doesn't think you're weird for thinking differently, does he?"

"He says it makes me smart to be able to think like other people can't," Samandriel stated. "Even if it's something silly."

"So, let's see, you like dinosaurs but Anna hates dinosaurs. Does that make her weird?" Castiel asked.

"No," Samandriel replied.

"You like to have everything organised and neat but Gabriel's room - well, Gabriel lives in a pig sty. Does that make him weird for not liking things organised?" 

"No, it just makes him messy," Samandriel said. 

"The point is, Anna and Gabe think differently from you but you don't think they're weird and they don't think you're weird for thinking differently from them because they understand that sometimes people don't think the same.

But the truth is, if everyone thinks the same, then where does that get them? No where. Thinking differently sometimes means that you can think bigger, better. It does make you smarter, wiser. So these kids that think you're weird and don't accept that - what good will that do them? God doesn't like it when people pick on others. They'll just be bullies and no one likes bullies. But the most important thing is that their opinion shouldn't matter to you. In twenty years you probably won't even know them and they'll mean nothing to you. Those people that bullied Raphael? He doesn't give a damn about them and he's pretty content with his life. He stood up to them and they stopped bothering him. Tell Michael and tell your teacher - he'll make the other kids stop."

Samandriel shook his head with an angry mumble of "I don't wanna tell my teacher." 

"Well, why not?" Castiel asked.

"He - he... doesn't like Raphael." Samandriel replied quietly.

"Why not?" Castiel asked flatly.

Samandriel looked hesitant, fiddling with his hands. "When RaRa brought me to school, Mr. Armstrong said - she said to me that - that I'm better than RaRa because - because..."

Castiel tilted his head, anger sparking inside him. "What'd he say to you?" 

Samandriel sniffled and waved for Castiel to come closer, and he complied, allowing Samandriel to whisper in his ear. "He said I'm better than RaRa because he's black."

............

"He said what to him?" Gabriel demanded later that day as he, Balthazar, Charlie, Anna, and Castiel sat around the kitchen table, waiting for Michael and Raphael to come home from work. Raphael got a job at the local supermarket. He worked from nine in the morning until three in the afternoon at the weekends. Castiel hadn't been so lucky finding a part time job.

Samandriel was watching cartoons in the living room while his family were seething in the kitchen.

"He told him that, uh, black people are beneath him. They're thugs, useless, murderers - the whole lot. He called Raphael a - a..." Castiel sighed, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands.

"No." Anna gasped, slapping her hand over her mouth as her eyebrows shot up into her hairline. 

"Yes. And on top of that, the kids in his class have been picking on him." Castiel sighed. "Michael's gonna lose the freakin' plot when he hears about this."

"What did you tell Alfie to do?" Balthazar asked.

"I told him to go to his teacher about the bullies and he said he can't because his teacher's a bully too." Castiel sighed. "He doesn't know what to do. Obviously I told him what his teacher said about Raphael wasn't true and he knows that, he's a smart kid, but now he feels like he has no one to turn to."

"Why didn't he tell Michael?" Charlie asked, bringing attention to the one question on everyone's mind. "He tells Michael everything."

Castiel sighed tiredly. "He thinks," another sigh, "he thinks he's a burden on Michael. On all of us. He told me."

"Why would he think that?" Stopping his pacing, Gabriel collapsed into an empty chair at the table.

"He knows Michael's depressed." Castiel replied softly, running a hand through his hair.

Balthazar gave a derisive snort. "We all know Michael's depressed. He won't help himself. He's working himself to death. No wonder the kid thinks it's his fault. He so used to Michael being at his beck and call and now he hardly sees him." 

Castiel felt anger spike in him at his brother's ridicule of their oldest sibling - the same one who had practically raised them. "It's not his fault he has to work." Castiel said flatly. 

"Well maybe he should make some time for his family." Balthazar replied, his eyes just about narrowing in a challenge.

"Without those jobs he wouldn't have a family to make time for." Taking the bait, Castiel all but snapped at him. "I don't see you working to pay the bills." 

"Funny enough, darling, I don't see you doing that either." Balthazar retorted coldly.

"At least I've tried to find a job." Castiel stated, quirking an eyebrow at him.

"That's enough," Gabriel snapped, interrupting their bickering, "from the both of you."

Castiel sank back onto his chair, arms folded across his chest. He hated it when his siblings criticised Michael, after everything he'd done for them and yet they still found a flaw. He needn't remind them that, oh yeah, their whole upbringing was flawed. Their brother did his best to raise them in a broken, dysfunctional family with an absentee father and barely a penny to their name. So Castiel often struggled to keep his opinions quiet when someone spoke out against him. After all, Michael had saved his life - the least he could do was defend him.

"Alright, I'll... I'll tell Michael what happened and he'll tell the school and we'll get it sorted out. Maybe just don't..." Gabriel sighed, "don't mention it to Raphy. He'll act like he doesn't care but..." Gabriel trailed off with another sigh. "I'll tell him."

Castiel knew that if he considered himself protective of Michael - it was nothing compared to how protective Gabriel was of Raphael (and vice versa). Raised together from no age, Gabriel had witnessed every misdemeanour and transgression committed against Raphael as often as Raphael himself had experienced it (and there usually was no question of why such a wrongdoing had been committed - just which; transgender or black or both). At his side practically since birth, Gabriel was no stranger to beating (or a beating from) other people that had so much as looked at his brother the wrong way. Raphael would reprimand him for it but it didn't stop Gabriel from shoving that kid onto the ground for intentionally calling his brother a "she" or from punching a police officer in the face when he had dared to lay a hand on his brother. No, Gabriel was no stranger to violence - but he was also no stranger to the poisonous, toxic views of society, either.

Gabriel would defend his brother no matter what. It was Gabriel that Raphael had first confessed to being transgender. It was Gabriel that had saved up his birthday money and monthly savings to buy Raphael his first binder (which he had forbid Raphael from refusing to accept, although he did receive mountains of candy whenever Raphael could afford it - despite Raphael's personal dislike for the sugary substance). It was Gabriel that had stayed by Raphael's side the first time he was hospitalised after he'd been assaulted by a group of drunken teenagers. It was also Gabriel that had been detained and warned against further violations after beating said teenagers up in a fit of rage. (Castiel supposed he was lucky with such a light warning although Balthazar had told him that none of the teenagers had officially confessed to Gabriel beating them and charges were dropped.) All in all, they were as thick as thieves and had been their whole lives, relying on nobody but those they considered family and each other.

"Just as long as you don't go around beating the shit out of teachers then I think we'll be fine." Balthazar commented and the mood lightened, although Castiel had saw the way Gabriel's knuckles had turned white in his clenched fist when he had first told him the news, and it scared Castiel that the familiar, underlying need to protect Raphael was still there, at the forefront of Gabriel's mind, and was usually accompanied by violence.

Essentially Gabriel's mocking snort of "I won't" was a half-empty promise. Unless something was done, Gabriel would remind himself that it was only a half-promise. 

And as slowly as the hope that had began to build up for Castiel's family grew, it was treading on thin ice that would shatter much faster.

.............

"Me and Charlie are gonna take Samandriel to the movies." Anna announced as Castiel, Balthazar, and Gabriel were seated at the table doing homework. "Get him out of the house for a little while whilst you talk to Michael." 

"Thanks, kiddo," Gabriel smiled tiredly at her, "do you need money?" He asked, already reaching into his pocket for his wallet.

"No, it's alright." Anna shook her head. "I have some. We'll be back in a few hours. We'll see ya later." She disappeared through into the living room, and the shutting of the front door gave hint to her departure with Charlie and Samandriel.

The kitchen fell into silence once more, only interrupted by the scratching of pens or the push of calculator buttons (mainly because Balthazar kept typing smiley faces into the battered thing), and soon, Balthazar's growling stomach.

"I'm starving." Balthazar needlessly stated, standing up from his seat. "I'm gonna run down to the store. Want anything?"

"Get me a bottle of coke and some chips." Castiel replied, without looking up from his homework. 

"Are you gonna pay for it?" Balthazar asked, eyebrow raised, and Castiel finally looked up at him.

"I'm buy it for you if I were going," Castiel complained, too lazy to walk up the thirteen steps of their stairs to his room to get money.

"Fine," Balthazar sighed dramatically, and Castiel smirked to himself as he turned his attention back to his homework, "do you want something, Gabe?"

"Nah, I ate earlier." Gabriel shrugged, kicking his feet up onto the table. Attention once again diverted from his homework, Castiel frowned, throwing a curious glance at his brother. He'd been up all morning and hadn't seen Gabriel eat a single bite of food. He'd drank a glass of water but that was about it. 

Castiel waited until Balthazar was definitely gone before he raised an eyebrow at Gabriel.

"What?" Gabriel mumbled, chewing on the bottom of his pen. 

"Why did you say you'd eaten when you haven't?" Castiel prompted and Gabriel stilled before shrugging.

"I have eaten." Gabriel replied.

"I've been in here all day. No, you haven't." Castiel stated, feeling worry tugging at his heart. 

"I'm not hungry." Gabriel snapped, giving him a dark look before turning back to his homework.

Leaning back in his chair, Castiel assessed his older brother. The pale skin, bags under his eyes, and the slight weight loss. "Oh," was all Castiel replied. And when Balthazar came back from the store, Castiel subtly nudged the packet of chips in Gabriel's direction and saw his eyes flicker to them - there was strained indecision in his eyes as he glanced down at himself and then to the packet of chips and took a deep breath before turning back to his work.

However, the way Gabriel's worried honey eyes momentarily flicked up to meet Castiel's scrutinising blue ones, Castiel decided that he would be keeping an eye on Gabriel from that point on.

.............

Michael didn't react well to the news of Samandriel's bullies and teacher, if the extremely rare spewing of profanities Castiel heard coming from the kitchen was anything. Raphael, however, remained his quiet, reserved self when he heard the news, and shrugged out of his jacket before making his way to his room with a mutter of "we'll sort out the bullying problem soon".

"And his dick of a teacher." Gabriel called after him, watching him go with sad eyes.

And the idea of being used to racism was still something that Castiel hadn't quite wrapped his head around because it was something that he didn't want to wrap his head around. How Raphael went day by day with at least one person throwing at look of contempt or disdain in his direction, hell, that would be enough for Castiel to consider never leaving his house, if he were in his shoes. But racism happened, and while a lot of people were content to keep their head buried in the sand, Raphael was never able to have it there in the first place - not when he was profiled while walking through a store to buy gorceries. 

But Raphael was strong and didn't allow other people's opinions to validate his worth - only he did that.

So to Castiel, personally, that was the only thing that made him different to his family.

...............

"Are you sure you don't want to go?" Castiel asked for the millionth time that night, pacing around the living room where Charlie and Samandriel had built a fort out of blankets and pillows and were about to marathon Harry Potter while Anna sat on the armchair and painted her toenails while reading a physics textbook. Midterm tests were coming up, Castiel reminded himself. Castiel had tried convincing Charlie to go to Lisa's party but she wouldn't budge.

"First of, Harry Potter. Second of, don't wanna third wheel your date." Charlie replied, making Samandriel giggle.

"It's not a date." Castiel replied, his nerves running wild.

"Cassie doesn't date people because he's unsexual." Samandriel commented.

"Asexual," Castiel smiled to himself, shaking his head fondly.

"That's what I said." Samandriel mumbled through a mouthful of popcorn.

Glancing back at his reflection one last time, Castiel pointlessly attempted to flatten his hair. He had settled on wearing a pair of dark faded skinny jeans and a grey jumper with an unfamiliar logo on it with his scruffy pair of converse. He'd been trying to dress less formal the past month or so, for comfort and so that he didn't stand out too often.

The honking of a car outside distracted his racing thoughts as he bid his goodbyes to Samandriel, Anna, and Charlie, seeing as Gabriel and Balthazar were already at the party, Michael was working, and Raphael was studying (although Castiel suspected that Charlie would lure him out of his room to watch Harry potter with them). 

Castiel climbed into the car and smiled at Dean in greeting. "Hello, Dean," he said, his head tilting to the side just that little bit. 

"Hey, Cas, ready to go?" Dean asked, returning the smile. 

Castiel only nodded.

............

The party was in full swing when the two teenagers arrived. The house was lit up like a Christmas tree, with loud music blasting from every open window, and sober and drunken teenagers alike (some unconscious) were littered across the front garden, singing, dancing, talking, and having someone hold their hair back while they puked into the bushes. 

Ah, teenagers.

Castiel could hardly hear himself think the music was that loud. The house was crowded but Dean navigated their way through, his hand resting on the small of Castiel's back as he gently guided him through the masses of teenagers.

Heart thumping harder than the music, Castiel took a deep and sighed with relief when they entered a relatively empty kitchen, which consisted of one or two couples and a few friends. 

Lisa greeted them in the kitchen, smiling brightly, her long, brown her pulled back into a ponytail with a few loose strands framing her face. She pulled Dean into a hug with a giggle of "you made it!" and Castiel was surprised when he, too, was pulled into an equally tight hug with another giggle of "you must be Castiel".

"Yeah, it's - it's nice to meet you." Castiel smiled politely, trying his best not to feel like a third wheel between the two familiar friends.

"Dean, can you get more beer from the basement?" Lisa asked, nodding her head to the basement door and Dean sighed, rolling his eyes before trotting over to the door. She turned back to Castiel and beamed, "so, hi!" 

Startled, Castiel gave a confused smile and replied, "hello."

"I've heard so much about you," Lisa informed him, leading him over to the table to sit.

Castiel blinked, cocking his head to the side. "Really?" 

"Duh, Dean talks about you all the time." Lisa shook her head fondly.

Castiel blinked again, feeling a blush start to rise in his cheeks and he smiled. "He - he does?"

"Trust me, I feel like I know you already with the amount he talks about you." Lisa laughed and Castiel smiled, twiddling his thumbs happily.

Dean returned from the basement, lugging a large box of beer bottles with a yell of "a little help here!" effectively distracting Castiel and Lisa from their conversation as they helped him lift the beer onto the table.

Castiel rarely ever drank, despite the various parties his siblings dragged him to, so he had decided to that one or two beers would be acceptable. A few hours later had him astounding a group of teenagers after he consecutively downed ten shots of gin and vodka and then, feeling a slightly warm buzz, muttered "I think I'm starting to feel something," earning him a cheer from the crowd (he had an unnaturally high alcohol tolerance level, apparently).

Forgetting his initial worries, alcohol seemed to help him relax when talking to strangers and he was soon acquainted with most of Dean's friends, who were stoned and reeked of marijuana but were very interested in Castiel's opinions on trees and nature, watching him in awe as he explained about life and nature for their benefit and interests.

And Dean never left him alone for too long, always right back at his side with an arm slung across his shoulder and jokingly introducing Castiel as "the old ball and chain" to strangers, and Castiel was more than happy to blame his rosy cheeks on the alcohol.

Later that night they collapsed onto the couch in Lisa's living room, squashed together by various other drunk teenagers in various stages of sleep that had also decided that their parents would kill them if they showed up at the four in morning, drunk and stoned out of their mind. 

Everything just seemed to come crashing down around Castiel, the day's events, worries about his family, his future, how he was going to have the hangover from hell in the morning, but he just couldn't find it in himself to care at that moment as he told Dean the problem.

"It's all just becoming too much. Everywhere I turn there's a problem. And I lose track of my current problem to work on this problem but then another problems pops up and it's just a pretty vicious cycle." Castiel explained tiredly, yawning as he sleepily fell against Dean's side and Castiel just let go of his worries.

"I'll always be here. I promise - promise, you hear?" Dean's speech slurred a little. Castiel just replied with a content "mm-hmm."

"Dean?" Castiel prompted.

"Yeah?" Dean replied sleepily.

"You smell like petrol." Castiel stated.

"Sorry - I was - I was working before I picked you up."

"I like the smell of petrol."

In the clutches of sleep, Castiel didn't see the small smile that graced Dean's features.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really like this chapter but eh. I've been trying to incorporate a lot of things into, like, the flow of the story but also kind of in the perspective of someone with anxiety? If that makes sense? Like for me, a lot of problems just appear, and similarly to Castiel, the problems are there, he just doesn't notice them a lot but I don't know if that makes sense? Maybe, I'm not sure. So yeah the story's still moving at a pretty slow pace but I'm working on it - I promise. Anyways, your opinions are always welcome and I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> P.S. I'm thinking about staying in Castiel's POV because it kind of gives the view that we all see and how we see it and like things to look out for and I don't know but I hope it works out?


	9. Corn Dogs and Fried Oreos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *tw: discussion of depression & mentions of eating disorders*

"Keep your face always towards the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."

~ Walt Whitman

 

Regret was something that Castiel was more than used to. With a headache from hell and his mouth like the Sahara Desert, he made a promise to himself to never drink again for as long as he lived. He didn't even know where the bathroom was so whoever was lying next to him - well, there was a fity-fifty chance that today just wasn't that potentially poor bastard's day.

Castiel didn't want to open his eyes, he reeked of alcohol, regret, and the strangers lying next to him. He hoped he hadn't done anything embarrassing the night before because everything was just a big blur.

Hangovers were the worst. 

"Dean?" Castiel croaked, his voice rough and raspy as he tried to sit up, earning him a dizzying wave of nausea.

"I feel like shit." Came Dean's reply, sounding tired and in possible pain.

"Good morning to you, too." Castiel replied, gently lifting an unconscious stranger's head off of his lap. 

"Do you wanna go get something to eat and get something to eat so we can throw it up in a few hours?" Dean asked, and Castiel nodded.

"Gladly." Castiel replied.

.............

"Please tell me why we had to stop at the store first, Cas." Dean whined, using his hands to try and block out the bright lights of the town's local supermarket.

"Because I'm buying a toothbrush and toothpaste to brush my teeth." Castiel replied, grimacing at the taste in his mouth. He grabbed a four pack of toothbrushes - all of various different colours, a tube of toothpaste, and a bottle of water.

"You couldn't have waited until you got home?" Dean asked and Castiel just shrugged - he seemed to be much better at dealing with hangovers than the Winchester.

"I could have, but I won't." Castiel replied as went to pay for the items, just smiling awkwardly at the cashier who gave him a confused look as Castiel paid. That was actually one of the main reasons he hated going shopping: he always had the feeling that the cashiers were judging him for his purchases.

"You really are something different," Dean commented, shaking his head as Castiel brushed his teeth in the rear view mirror of the impala.

"So you don't want a toothbrush?" Castiel mumbled around his blue toothbrush, blindly grabbing one from the packet and offering it to Dean.

Dean rolled his eyes at him and sighed dramatically before muttering "fine" and reluctantly accepting the toothbrush, ignoring Castiel's warnings not to drive and brush his teeth at the same time. 

Well, there's something I thought I'd never say, Castiel mused, making a disgusted face as he washed down the minty froth in his mouth with a large gulp of water. He really hadn't thought that part through and was definitely not going to risk spitting it out the window and his spit accidentally landing on Dean's car.

Apparently having the same idea, Dean made an identical face as he, too, swallowed the tooth paste.

"You," Dean began, sounding rather sarcastic, grimacing as he drank more of Castiel's water, "are a genius."

 

"If you are referring to my level of intelligence, then you would be correct." Castiel replied, tilting his head to the side in confusion. "If you are referring to the fact that I did not anticipate that we would have to swallow the toothpaste, then you would be incorrect."

"Like I said - genius." Dean smirked.

"So, Dean, are you and Lisa..." Castiel prompted, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly, memories of the previous night starting to flood back to him. Dean and Lisa flirted quite a bit at the party.

"Dating?" Dean suggested, raising an eyebrow at him and Castiel nodded, "nah, she's just - it's weird. What about you? See any girls you like? Meg thinks you're cute."

"Not really. Unless those girls have a penis then I'm not really interested. And even if they did have a penis, even then I'm not that interested." Castiel shrugged.

"You're gay?" Dean asked, raising an eyebrow at him again before nodding to himself, "that explains why you rejected those girls last night."

"Mm," Castiel nodded. "I'm also asexual."

"... a sexual... predator?" Dean asked, looking confused and Castiel felt a warm feeling spreading through him as he laughed.

"No, no, asexual." Castiel replied, grinning to himself, "it means that I'm not sexually attracted to other people nor do I have sexual desires."

"At all?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, pretty much." Castiel shrugged, "I mean, I suppose it differs for each individual. Some people are completely repulsed by the idea of sex, others are willing to have sex with their partner in a serious relationship."

"And what about you?" Dean asked. "Are you repulsed by it or willing?"

"I understand that it's necessary for reproduction and it can be pleasurable." Castiel replied, "however, it just doesn't interest me."

"So you're into guys?" Dean asked.

"I am into guys." Castiel nodded.

"So..." Dean began, "see any guys you like?"

Eyes flickering to Dean briefly, Castiel shrugged, "maybe."

...........

"You know, when you said let's get something to eat, I didn't imagine myself sitting on a sidewalk, eating corn dogs and fried oreos." Castiel announced, glancing at Dean, who was wearing a pair of sunglasses he had dug up from the glove compartment of the impala. Thankfully, he had also found Castiel a pair and now both teenagers were sitting outside the the October fair, on the sidewalk, hungover as hell and probably looking like ragamuffins with their sunglasses and messy clothes.

"It's the perfect cure for a hangover." Dean shrugged. "It's like grease and a little bit of food."

"You know greasy food doesn't actually help, right?" Castiel asked, taking a bite of his fried oreo. "I'm surprised that you didn't go for the pie, though."

"They have pie?" Dean shot up to his feet before slowly sitting back down, holding his head, groaning to himself. 

Castiel smiled. "I'll get it for you. You just take it easy." He stood up, and walked back into the fair, which had a good few people considering it was just after midday. He went to the food stand and bought Dean a slice of cherry pie as well as two bottles of water before making his way back to Dean and popping down next to him.

"Pie and hydration." Castiel announced, offering him the pie and a bottle of water.

"Lifesaver." Dean smiled, taking them from him. "So I heard Charlie's living with you now?"

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, she moved in on Friday." Castiel nodded.

"So why does your brother still work like three jobs if Charlie can, like, hack the government or whatever?"

"Michael specifically stated that there would be no illegal funding under his roof." Castiel said, earning him a laugh from Dean.

"He's a goody two shoes, huh?" Dean asked.

"As far as I can tell." Castiel shrugged. Castiel liked being in Dean's presence, there weren't any awkward silences and Dean seemed to take any random thought Castiel voiced into his stride.

"So Adam was asking about Alfie." Dean prompted, "he won't shut up about some dinosaur Alfie has. Your brother seems to really like dinosaurs."

"One of the possible symptoms of autism is that the child will develop a - a kind, maybe not an obsession, but certainly an attachment or notable interest to one specific thing - for Samandriel, it happens to be dinosaurs." Castiel replied. "He doesn't even play with them, really, he organises them by colour, and then by size, and then by species, and so on and so forth."

"You seem pretty well informed on a lot of this stuff," Dean commented, taking a sip of his water.

"I suppose, I tend to do some research on stuff like this to see if there's any way I can help or make it easier for him." Castiel shrugged, tracing his thumb over the lid of the bottle. "Adam seems to really show a new side of him that none of us have really seen before. Samandriel's never really had any friends. He's full of excitement around Adam, he's so exuberant and full of life, and with us, it's like a monotone version of that. It's just something about Adam - like he doesn't mind when Samandriel stands right in his face or when Samandriel just zones out for a little while. The other kids just don't seem to get it, which is understandable seeing as they're just kids but still." 

"That's kids for ya." Dean sighed, shaking his head.

"Thank you, grandpa." Castiel replied, smiling to himself.

"Hey, you gonna eat that?" Dean pointed to Castiel's corn dog.

"No," Castiel shook his head, and offered him the corn dog, "do you want it?"

"Well, I'm willing to be fat so you can be skinny." Dean laughed, accepting the food and Castiel shook his head fondly at him, bumping his shoulder against Dean's. 

They sat for a while until it began to rain, which was a surprise considering that it had been rather warm and sunny up until that point so they both quickly ran to the car as the rain fell heavier, thundering against the roof of the impala as they drove home.

They pulled up at Castiel's house, and Castiel grimaced as he looked out the window. 

"You better run, Cas," Dean laughed and Castiel glared at him.

"I will," Castiel stated, opening the door, and getting out, "goodbye, Dean," he nodded before closing the car door. He half ran - half jogged to his house but stopped when he heard Dean calling his name. He turned around, and Dean had lowered the window of the impala.

"Dean, it's like the biblical flood out here, what is it?" Castiel asked, earning him a laugh from Dean.

"I was just, maybe, wondering if you wanna go to the movies tomorrow?" Dean called.

"You couldn't have texted?" Castiel called back. 

"I gotta admit, it didn't occur to me," Dean replied. "So you wanna?"

"Sure!" Castiel called, waving, and Dean gave him a thumbs up, and Castiel ran to his house, smiling to himself.

His house was, thankfully, warm and he was greeted with a blast of heat as soon as he opened the front door. He shrugged out of his jumper, throwing it onto the couch before making his way into the kitchen, where Gabriel was seated on the floor at the back door, which was wide open, with Samandriel sitting in his lap and watching the rain. It was something that they usually did together when it rained. Gabriel was talking to Samandriel, apparently unaware of Castiel standing by the doorway. It was usually times like these that Gabriel would give Samandriel little pep talks, and Samandriel just listened.

"You are not your mental illness. I don't care if you think you're worthless because you wouldn't be here if you were. You know you're worth something. I know you're worth something. You're worth everything. Everything you've ever been, everything you are, and everything you will be.

I hate this self-deprecating crap a lot of people have adapted. 'Oh, I'm worthless and I do this wrong and I do that wrong and everyone hates me and blah blah blah.' Why do you do it wrong? How do you do it wrong? Just because people told you you've done something wrong - doesn't mean you have. It means you think a little differently than some people. Second of, no one hates you and even if they did, so what? So fucking what? If someone hates you then why go out of your way to please them, kid?

Stop basing your own goddamn worth off of other people's opinions. Because truthfully? Like ninety-five percent of the time they won't mean shit to you in the future - they will affect your life in no way at all.

You know those people that told me and Raphy that our sexuality or gender wasn't real? Yeah, fuck them. We are living proof that they are real. And Cassie is, too. And Michael. Whether you're gay, asexual, demisexual or polysexual or bigender, agender, genderqueer, genderfluid or non-binary - whatever the hell you are, your identity is valid, kid. Because you are valid. And maybe that label won't stick around for long. Don't be so quick or worried to label yourself because you have a whole lifetime ahead of you to figure out who you are, and we'll love you every step of the way. 

Just because you're not there now doesn't mean you'll never get there.

You know, little man, you've spent your whole life trying to get better, and I know that you sometimes feel that whatever you do - well, it doesn't seem like it helps. But it does.

Don't feel disillusioned by a sudden or complete lack of change because progress is progress, regardless of the pace. Recovery is an evolution, not a miracle. It doesn't happen over night, it takes a while. It can take a lifetime, but every step of the way means you're getting better. And, maybe, every step won't be acknowledged for what it's worth, but that doesn't mean it's any less important in your recovery."

Castiel didn't know whether Gabriel was talking to himself or Samandriel, most likely both, but he listened to his brother anyway. Castiel often saw a future for Gabriel as a motivational speaker. His older brother had spent countless hours giving Samandriel little pep talks, and perhaps, yes, he could've used less vulgar language, but he did his best to encourage their youngest brother. He just wished that Gabriel could listen to his own advice.

"But I guess that makes me the biggest hypocrite out there, huh? I mean - I care so much about what others think of me and it's - it's ruining my life. I wish I didn't care. But I do. I care so much. It - it hurts me that people point out my flaws, and I think those flaws are what make me me. And I know I shouldn't think like that but I can't help it. I never wanted this for myself. I'm just so afraid of society - of myself. Because society can push me and push me and push me, but in the end it's only me that can really throw myself of that ledge. When society pushes then I should push back, but I don't. I don't. I guess I'm weak like that. And I want to stop everything and be myself without being judged. Me. 

Some people hold onto depression because it gives them a false sense of who they are, it gives them security on something that is definite in their life when everything else seems to be crashing down around them. So they start to rely on it, and situations get worse and depression - well, depression is there when no one else seems to be. It seems like a friend but, in reality, it's your worst enemy. And it blinds people. They don't see that it's killing them. But some people do, and they try their best to see light in the darkest places. But people like me? People like me are far too gone to care. 

I don't want that, Alfie, but I can't seem to help myself because depression cripples you, in almost every aspect of your life. It makes you forget who you are. Every day just becomes another day. I - I used to sing a lot, hey, I wasn't great, but I sure as hell loved to sing. Now? Not so much. And, you know, it's not just depression - it's anxiety, it's OCD, it's - it's an eating disorder. 

But you - you're stronger than me, Alfie, I know you are. Whether it's depression or OCD, it's not a life sentence and I know that you aren't going to let it hold you back. It's like a bully, really. And you have to stand up to it - don't hold it all in. Stop pretending to being okay with "being okay". It's okay to tell people that you aren't feeling too good about yourself, and we'll try our best to make you feel better. I know I've gotten way off topic - I can't even remember what we were talking about in the first place but you know me: I ramble."

"I like hearing you talk." Came Samandriel's soft reply as he snuggled closer into Gabriel's chest.

Castiel smiled at that. Gabriel, like himself, did have a tendency to ramble but he supposed that Samandriel found it soothing when his brothers spoke to him for possibly hours on end, whether it be a story or a ramble. He liked to listen, sometimes taking their words into regard, sometimes just listening to their voices.

However, despite how uplifting Gabriel's story may have appeared, something heavy had settled over Castiel's heart at gaining an insight to just how not okay his older brother was. 

"Alright, kiddo, I think it's time for you to get a bath for school tomorrow," Gabriel announced, standing up and picking Samandriel up with him. "Raphy's already filled the bath for you. Go on, get." 

"Fine," Samandriel sighed dramatically as Gabriel placed him on the ground and ruffled his hair, "hi, Cassie!" Samandriel grinned as he ran by him and out the door.

"I heard what you were saying to Samandriel," Castiel announced, sighing, "what's going on with you, Gabriel?" He asked, leaning against the doorframe.

 

"Are you a psychologist?" Gabriel responded.

"Evidently not." 

"Then let's not go there."

"When did you decide that you are defined by a number on a scale?" Castiel asked, "or by the size of your jeans?"

"That's just it, Cassie, I didn't decide." Gabriel replied.

"Gabriel, please don't do this." Castiel pleaded softly, "I can't do much beyond asking you to stop. I can offer you all the help in the world but you have to be willing to help yourself first."

"I don't need help." Gariel retorted coldly.

"Yes, you do." Castiel stated, drawing himself up to full height as he stepped into the kitchen. "Look at you. Your health is deteriorating, your nails are brittle, your skin looks dry and pale, you're exhausted, Gabriel. Amd for what? To lose some weight? Why won't you let me help you? Why won't you help yourself?"

"I don't need help!" Gabriel yelled.

"Yes, you do." Castiel replied loudly, staring him dead in the eye.

"No, I don't." Gabriel replied angrily.

"Gabriel, I don't know how bad it's been but I'm pretty sure you've been starving yourself!" Castiel yelled.

"You've been starving yourself?"

Castiel and Gabriel both froze, turning to look at the door, where, drenched in rain, Michael stood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the chapter's pretty crappy. I dont know. Sorry about Gabriel's monologue, too, I don't really like how it turned out. Anyways, so my friend Taylor wrote a destiel story called Chance of Fate and it's pretty good so I hope you can take a look at it and let her know what you think. Also, there's an account called Wayward_Authors and they write destiel if you wanna check that out, too, but anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter!


	10. His Emotions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *tw: implied eating disorders, anxiety, panic attacks, trichotillomania (hair-pulling), depression, bad metaphors and descriptions, self-harm*

"Doubt kills more dream than failure ever will."  
~Suzy Kassem

 

"Castiel, go help Samandriel with his homework." Michael ordered quietly, and Castiel felt a lump form in his throat, making it difficult to breathe. He glanced at Gabriel, who had lost all remaining colour from his face, and opened his mouth to... protest? Agree? Apologise?

An unrestrainable wave of guilt washed over him, drowning him in regret and silent apologies, despite the fact that he knew he was doing the right thing - Michael was now aware of the situation. He would help Gabriel.

But would Gabriel hate him for it? Would he blame Castiel? 

"Gabriel, I - I --" His voice sounded strangled to his own ears as he struggles to say something - anything - to make Gabriel understand. He didn't know Michael was there (or was he secretly relieved that he was?) and that he hadn't meant for anyone else to hear (but it was better now, wasn't it?)

"Now, Castiel." Michael commanded, interrupting any attempts at illogical and unnecessary apologies that his brother had been trying to make. With one last look thrown in Gabriel's direction - met with a steely, cold look in those usually warm, honey eyes - Castiel nodded in assent, deeming it useless to remind Michael that it was a Sunday, meaning Samandriel had no homework. 

He shuffled out of the kitchen - nausea settling in his stomach that had nothing to do with his hungover state - when he heard a quiet "again?" fall from Michael's lips just before the door fell shut, effectively cutting off the conversation. 

The word 'again' swirled around his mind as he aimlessly walked away from the door, his heart clenching painfully in his chest as he trotted up the stairs, and when he heard the voices beyond the kitchen door start to rise into muffled yells, he sped up, passing Raphael who was going down instead to see what was going on, no doubt.

Castiel dutifully sat himself in his room, legs pulled up to his chest as the voice below him steadily got louder and louder with each passing second... minute... hour. Two hours. Three hours. Castiel eventually lost count as he stared aimlessly at his wall, overwhelmed with so many clashing and confusing emotions that he surprisingly felt numb.

Anna, Balthazar, and Charlie were probably going to arrive home soon to the utter chaos that had unfolded because of Castiel and his inability to keep his mouth shut. And Samandriel - Samandriel! 

Had he been in his room the entire time? Castiel thought as he quickly scrambled to his feet - Samandriel didn't react well to yelling. Making his way to Samandriel's room, he found his youngest brother curled up on his bed, ashen face accompanied by his small frame trembling as he covered his ears with his hands.

"Why is everyone shouting?" Samandriel demanded, his own voice rising as if to drown out the others which were still reverberating around the house. 

"They're - they, um, Gabriel, he, and - and Michael," Castiel stammered, unconsciously stumbling towards the younger boy as he wracked his mind for an answer. 

"Don't touch me!" Samandriel screeched, scrambling away from him and gripping his hair tightly between his small fingers, pulling hard enough that some strands came out.

"Samandriel? What - what - I'll get Michael!" Castiel was vaguely aware of Anna's sudden presence at the door before he heard her retreating down the stairs to retrieve their oldest brother. 

Michael. Michael. Why hadn't he thought of getting Michael first?  

There was the sound of feet clambering up the stairs and Castiel barely caught a glimpse of Michael before he was hastily jumped out of his oldest brother's path to allow him entry into Samandriel's room, and slowly backed himself out to the hall, accidentally stumbling back into - Castiel whipped around and was met with a pair of bloodshot and teary golden eyes - Gabriel. 

His brother gave him a cold look, as though he were attempting to convey his contempt and loathing, and Castiel's nausea came back full force, his useless apology caught in his throat.

"Castiel, why didn't you do anything?" Anna demanded, appearing beside him, her tone sharp and piercing, and effectively snapping his attention to her. "He was having a full blown panic attack right in front you and you just stood there! What's the matter with you?"

Castiel glanced into Samandriel's room, where Michael was rocking a crying and shaking Samandriel in his arms, holding him as he murmured in his ear.

"Can you tell me five things you can see?" Michael asked quietly, stroking his thumb over red scratch marks on Samandriel's cheek. Castiel briefly recognised it as a method of grounding to bring Samandriel back to reality, kind of, to make him aware and remind him of his surroundings to make him feel like he wasn't losing control - Michael would tell him to list things he could see, hear, smell, and feel.

There was so much going on around Castiel, making his head spin - with Anna ranting in his ear, and Samandriel's crying, and Michael attempting to sooth him, and Raphael murmuring to Gabriel - he didn't know what to do, how to react, what to think, and so he made a split - second decision before gently shoving past Anna, barrelling down the stairs and out the front door, grabbing his jacket before rushing out to the relentless, torrential, and icy cold rain.

He trudged up the street, ignoring the harsh wind that made him shiver, determined to get away from his house - from all of the trouble he had caused. His feet splashed water over his shoes and trousers as the rain soaked through his jacket and shirt, and his hair stuck to his forehead, a steady stream of water forming droplets at the tips of his fringe before trailing down his face. He gave a futile attempt at wiping his face but the rain continued to fall on him. He walked for a while, along the mostly empty streets, save for a few unlucky souls caught up in the storm and several cars that sped by.

"That's just like you, Castiel, always running away from your own problems. Never taking responsibility for your actions. It's pathetic - you're pathetic."

His foster father's words rang true in his mind, and he did his hardest to ignore them as he made an abrupt turn into an alleyway and stopped in his tracks, barely acknowledging the dull ache in his legs. He clenched his hands into shaking fists, and began to pace back and forth. How had he been so stupid as to just watch Samandriel while he had been panicking? Stupid, useless, pathetic --

A frustrated cry tore from his throat and he threw his fist against the brick wall, ignoring the the sharp pain that shot through his hand and up his wrist and arm as he punched the wall again and again until blood was seeping from the cuts on his knuckles, slowly washing away with the rain. He felt unshed tears sting his eyes and a lump in his throat as he leaned his forehead against the wall, breathing heavily and ignoring the shooting pains in his arm. Stupid, useless, worthless, pathetic...

Castiel pulled away from the wall and ran a hand through his hair. He needed to stop. A throbbing sting in his hand reminded him that the damage was already done but it wasn't too late to pull himself out of the mess he had created. It was just that... 

He missed the comfort of feelings and emotions. Whether it was rage or anguish or joy - it gave him a goal. It didn't blind him with the idea of nothingness that accompanied that empty, numb feeling he had become so used to - the one that had his mind spinning with so many ideas and thoughts and yet not a single one made sense. 

And if it was anger that reminded him that he was alive, then he'd rather be angry and burn with a raging fire than spend the rest of his life a dying flame that would eventually become nothing.

Taking a deep breath, Castiel tried to expel the negative thoughts from his mind. He took another deep breath and held it in for ten seconds before breathing out slowly, a small comfort as he felt his heart slow down the tiniest bit. He repeated the process until he felt mostly calm and finally looked down to assess his hand, the aching sting demanding attention.

His wrist and hand were slightly swollen and a mixture of purplish blue, each knuckle had bloody cut on it, and his fingers looked a little out of place. He tried flexing his fingers and automatically regretted it when a sharp pain shot through his arms. He concluded that it was at broken, or at least badly fractured, and the pain would soon become much worse.

I'll just wrap it up with some bandages when I get home, Castiel thought as he began walking again, doing his best to ignore it. Wanting to get out of the rain and cold, he made his way to the Roadhouse which was nearby, wondering idly if he'd see Jo there.

................

As suspected, the pain had definitely increased and Jo was in the Roadhouse. 

"Hey, Cas, you look like crap." Jo smiled cheerfully as he took a seat at the bar she was wiping down. "What'd ya do? Go for a swim in the ocean?"

"We have this miraculous thing, Joanna Beth, it's called rain." Castiel replied, carefully concealing his hand in his lap. Jo stuck her tongue out a him.

"So, what can I get ya, hot stuff? Non-alcoholic, of course," she grinned, and Castiel shrugged with a mumble of "whatever you have". Soon a glass of cola was placed in front of him while Jo cleaned some glasses and placed them on the shelf.

"So, you had your first tutoring session with Balthazar this morning?" Castiel prompted, deciding that Balthazar was something they both had in common. An irritated sigh escaped Jo as she shook her head and cleaned a glass. "What'd he do?"

"Well, first he showed up late and then he just - he didn't pay attention the whole hour. I asked him to read over asked extract and he replied why don't I read it to him." Jo replied, shoving the glass onto the shelf with a little more force than necessary. "He just doesn't care - and he's such an asshole." At Castiel's blank expression, she cringed, "I'm sorry, he's your brother and I shouldn't --"

"It's okay," Castiel interrupted her, shrugging and then wincing a little at the futher pain it caused in his arm, "Balthazar has always had such little regard for his education and he can be quite the asshole when he wants to be. Has he started speaking French or German yet?"

Jo gave him a dark look that clearly indicated that yes, yes he had. "What's that even about? Where the hell did he pick up French and German if he never pays attention in class?"

"He was born and raised in Britain but his mum was French, and his dad was German, I think. In their house they only spoke French and German since they were both fluent in the other so I think he picked them both up from them and he learned English while in Britain and America - one of the reasons that his accent is kinda weird." Castiel explained, taking a sip of his cola through his straw.

"So he's fluent in three languages?" Jo asked.

Castiel hummed in agreement. "I mean, they're a little broken but if he put in the effort he could be quite the linguist. Gabriel says he really struggled in school when he was growing up because he knew little to no English and could only speak French or German in class."

Jo paused for a moment. "Cas - do you think he knows, you know, how to read in English?"

Castiel stopped, and looked down at his drink. It was true that Balthazar was quite good at Maths and Art - subjects that didn't require much reading (although he never applied himself) but classes like English and Science he really struggled with. He had also once caught Balthazar trying to do his homework with a French dictionary on his phone, using the pronunciation button (until Gabriel told him to turn the damn thing off, be quiet, and do his homework) but Castiel had just assumed it was for his French class. But there was no way he wouldn't tell anybody that he couldn't read, was there?

"I don't - I don't know." Castiel admitted. "I - maybe he - I don't - maybe or maybe he's just lazy. I'll - I'll check." He stammered.

That sentence came out exactly how I wanted it to, Castiel thought bitterly, feeling heat creep up his neck.

"That little shit." Jo muttered, narrowing her eyes at nothing in particular, earning her a quiet laugh from Castiel.

"Hey, Jo, what pie have you guys got? Oh, hey, Cas, you look like crap." Dean smiled cheerfully as he strode into to hate Roadhouse and took a seat at the bar next to the Novak. "What'd ya do? Go for a swim in the ocean?"

"Is that common phrase around here?" Castiel asked, raising his eyebrow at the exact phrasing Jo had used. 

"Sure, why not?" Dean grinned as Jo went to retrieve his pie. She returned soon enough with a full apple pie in her hands and placed it down in front of him. 

"Mum says you and John need to back on these things." Jo warned playfully, handing him a fork.

"Never." Came Dean's automatic reply before she went off to serve some other customers. "So, what has you this far into the woods?"

"We're not in the woods." Castiel replied, eyebrows drawn together in confusion. "We're just off the highway near the town."

"Sometimes I can't tell if you're being serious or not." Dean replied, laughing before shaking his head. "So, what's the word, Cas?"

"It's a shortened version of my name." Castiel replied easily, taking another sip of his drink and ignoring Dean's 'done with you' look. The pain in his hand was steadily growing worse and he looked down at it, cradled in his lap - it had swelled even more and was an even darker shade of purple, blood still seeping from the cuts, just not as much but his fingers and hand were coated in dried and fresh blood.

Following his line of vision, Dean looked down at his hand before his eyes visibly widened and he almost choked on his apple pie. "Dude, what happened?" He spluttered.

Castiel's eyes flickered to his hand and then to Dean. "I fell?" He offered weakly.

"You fell?" Dean repeated in a tone that clearly meant that he didn't believe him one bit.

"Mm-hmm." Castiel nodded slowly, a light blush spreading across his face.

"On what?" Dean deadpanned, eyebrow rising to his hairline.

"My hand?" Castiel suggested weakly. 

"Let me see." Dean demanded, holding his hand out expectantly and Castiel, although reluctantly, let Dean inspect his hand. Dean's touch was soft and gentle as he carefully assessed it before he finally decided that it was definitely broken. "We'd best be gettin' you to the hospital."

"I'm alright." Castiel replied, turning back to his drink.

"No, let's go. I'll drive." Dean announced, standing up from his seat and taking Castiel's drink away from him.

Castiel sighed as he stood up too. "Don't you wanna eat your pie?" He attempted.

"I - a little," Dean admitted, leading him to the door, "but your hand's more important - you use that to jack off."

"I don't jack off," Castiel replied, "asexual, remember?"

"I feel like I know more about you than I will anyone else in my life, man, and that's just..." Dean rolled his eyes and shook his head, laughing, "let's go."

"You know I can hold the pie while you drive?" Castiel told him at the door.

Dean glanced at his pie and then back at Castiel, looking torn. "True friendship, dude." He quickly got the pie and left with Castiel, telling him that Ellen wouldn't mind them not paying as he led him to the impala. "So, like... asexuals don't..."

"Some do." Castiel replied. "But I'm glad to know that these are the kind of questions you plague you at night."

"Same," Dean grinned, holding the door open for Castiel to climb into the car and then passing him the pie.

............

"So, what happened?" Dean asked as they sped down the highway, above the speed limit, Castiel noticed.

"A wall hit me." Castiel replied.

"Really?" Dean asked, his tone dripping with sarcasm.

"I..." Castiel paused, his cheeks turning pink, "I punched a wall."

"Why?" Dean prompted, casting a glance at him.

"I don't know. I was just really angry and - and - I don't know, I just -" Castiel struggled to explain, but Dean stopped him.

"Hey, hey, I get it - you know, we do stupid shit when we're angry." Dean shrugged, his tone sympathetic and understanding. "What made you so angry?"

Castiel opened and then closed his mouth, searching for an answer but was thankfully saved once again by Dean.

"If you don't wanna talk about it right now, that's cool, I can listen another time." Dean suggested, looking at him again.

"I - thank you." Castiel replied quietly, staring at the road ahead. The rain had stopped and the sun was beginning to set. He just hoped A&E wasn't too busy, and made a mental note to call Michael and tell where he was.

"So, you punched a wall," Dean began, "did you, um, hurt anywhere else?"

Understanding the implications of the question, Castiel shook his quietly.

..............

"Alright, name - Castiel Novak. Age - seventeen..." Dean muttered to himself as he scribbled in the basics of the forum they were handed upon arrival. "Injury - broken hand."

Meanwhile, Castiel had called Michael to tell him of his situation.

"What do you mean you broke it? How?"

"I punched a wall." Castiel told him.

"You punched a wall? What - why?" 

"I don't know. I was angry." Castiel mumbled, feeling very much like a child being reprimanded. There was a quiet, tired sigh from the other end of the line.

"Okay, um, I'll head over now. I'll be there soon."

And he hung up before Castiel could object. Leaning back in his seat, Castiel sighed. He just kept adding stress to Michael's day, first it was Gabriel's problem, and then Samandriel's, and now this.

"He'll be here soon." Castiel informed Dean, shoving his phone back into his pocket as they sat in the waiting. It had a good few people, meaning that waiting times were going to be a bitch.

Dean nodded in understanding and Castiel helped him fill in the rest of the forum. When that was finished, they sat together and watched the various people walking in and out of the hospital, arguing over how they got their injury, and eating Dean's apple pie.

"No, Dean, I don't think a shark bit his leg." Castiel repeated for what felt like the millionth time.

"Then why do you think happened?" Dean asked, raising an eyebrow at him

"He stood on a bear trap." Castiel replied.

"Stood on a bear - wait, that actually makes sense." Dean conceded, before nodding to a woman missing an ear and holding a bloody tissue to her ear.

"She Vincent van Gogh'd herself." Castiel suggested. 

"Vincent van --" Dean snorted before breaking into a fit of laughter, earning him a "shh!" from Castiel. "It's not like she's gonna hear." He defended and Castiel just shook his head, although his lips twitched at the corners while Dean continued to laugh.

It was too soon for Castiel's liking that Michael showed up, thanking Dean for taking him to the hospital.

"I guess I'd best be headin' home." Dean announced, standing up and offering his seat to Michael. Castiel found that he didn't quite want him to go but nodded anyway. Turning to Castiel, Dean gave him a cheeky smile, "and, hey, if any walls decide to hit you again or give you any trouble then give me a call." 

Castiel smiled softly at the implication: if you're feeling down then I'm here to talk.

"Bye, Dean," Castiel smiled at him once more before he left.

"He's nice." Michael commented nonchalantly, leaning back into his chair.

Castiel looked at him - Michael looked tired. The dark circles under his more prominent than ever, his face ashen and gaunt than before, his once bright green eyes now dull, and his hair seemed thinner and messier.

A sad feeling washed over Castiel as he thought that he had caused this. He leaned back as well, his head falling onto Michael's shoulder as he tried to get comfortable. 

"Yeah, he is." Castiel replied quietly. "How's Samandriel?"

"He's calmed down.  The shouting just threw him off. I shouldn't have been shouting in the first place. He fell asleep an hour or two ago, Raphael's watching him now." Michael replied, taking Castiel's broken hand in his own to assess.

"And Gabriel?" Castiel asked, his voice so low that Michael missed it.

"I don't know. I want to say he'll get better, but that's what I thought last time. It really comes down to him." Michael said quietly, gently pressing down onto Castiel's wrist, earning him a slight wince. His eyes flicked over to Castiel. "It's broken alright. What made you punch a wall in the first place?"

"I don't know." Castiel repeated tiredly. 

"You did the right thing, talking to Gabriel. And Samandriel - you panicked. It's understandable. He's fine now." Michael said softly, as though he could read Castiel's thoughts.

"What if he hates me?" Castiel prompted.

"He may be a little bitter right now but he'll come round. He knows it for his own good." Michael replied, gently letting go of Castiel's hand. "It think we're gonna be here for a while. You might as well get comfortable." 

Leaning against Michael for support and comfort, Castiel idly watched the visitors scurry in and out of A&E for hours. Suddenly making up false stories just wasn't as fun without Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry the chapter is all over the place but I can never pull myself out of a cliffhanger. I don't know why I keep writing them. So, yeah, I took and break for a little while and I hope I didn't come back too bad. Hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> P.S. So, yes, Balthazar speaking like three languages does tie in with him not being able to read and the whole education system and it's probably badly explained there but I'll explain it better when the time comes. Also sorry the titles are awful, I've never been good at titles.


End file.
